Dance the night away. NO! I can’t dance, in the words of the
great Charlie Brooker, “I look like a
frightened horse on a frozen lake.”
The world is full of people who literally cannot enjoy
themselves at a party, or wedding, or in a club, unless YOU dance more or less
at the same time, and in the same vicinity that they do their dancing in. Why
do some people refuse to accept the fact that certain other people, me, do not
want to dance. They’ll say things like, “Come
on, you know you want to have a dance”. My response to this is always, “No. I really don’t want to dance. I know
my own feelings better than you do…..*murmur*…shithead!”
A particularly horrific experience happened to me a few
years ago. I was in a nightclub in Adelaide, Australia. I went there for no
good reason. I hadn't been out in a long time, and I stupidly thought that I
could have the ladies flocking around me, and that I could pick and choose
which ones I wanted to, uuhhm, “play hospitals” with.
I did not succeed with the ladies that night. Not one single
thing that happened that night could be described as successful. First of all,
a quite drunk girl took a shine to me, and insisted that I dance with her. I
knew full well that if I danced provocatively and sensually with this girl, I
would have given myself a very good chance of “playing hospitals” with her
later that night. But, through sheer willpower and self-assurance, I refused to
dance with her.
I could very strongly sense that my refusal to dance with an
attractive girl was something that had never been done in this particular
establishment. A few moments passed, and a small semi-circle had formed around
this girl and me. The guys around us were saying, “Go on you pussy, grind on
her you c@#t.” The girls around us however, seemed a lot more understanding,
and even though a few of them were encouraging me to get up and dance, most of
them stood there just watching on with looks of despair and pity – which I
preferred!
I did not end up dancing with this girl, I had to leave the
nightclub and I ended up walking home. I did a lot of thinking on the way home,
sorry, I mean, I did a lot of drinking. It helped with the embarrassment quite
well.
To this day I have never danced with a woman. I have however
been relatively quite successful with the opposite sex. So, this means that
dancing, no matter how appealing women find it, is NOT necessary to attract interest.
One of Bill Hicks’ funniest jokes, in my opinion, is the
following, “You know, women say they love
a man who can dance. But if a man is out on the dance floor grooving to the
music and letting all his emotions out, what does it matter, ladies? He’s gay!
You've got no chance.”
