Do yourselves a favor, and join this league.

There is a fantasy football app/program operating on Facebook. I am part of a mini-league that has less than 20 members/participants. I would like you to join this league, in order to bolster our numbers.

The link is https://www.facebook.com/fantasyiteam‎

So, if you're interested in football/soccer, please join our league. The PIN number is 27898. 

Join up, pick your team, have fun!

Actors! Die now, please. Or at least play dead.

                                    Calculon from Futurama is the perfect parody of actors 

Actors are revered in our society to such an extent, that now even on respectable "news" programs, actors can come on and say, "This new role I'm undertaking is the hardest thing I've ever done, but at the same time, I feel it's incredibly worthwhile and a truly great experience". I can translate this for you right now. What they really mean by a sentence like the one above is, "This new job I've been asked to do for absurd amounts of money is very very rewarding in terms of MONEY! And, I shall become even more famous than I am now". Not only are these actors allowed on to respectable shows to say such vile things, but they aren't challenged on their lack of contribution to the human race. Very respectable journalists like Christopher Hitchens, have even been on the record singing praise for various actors. If an intellectual giant like Hitchens could be fooled by the allure of acting and actors, then what hope do the rest of us mere mortals have!?

Don't get me wrong, I like certain actors. I admire a few of them for their works of pure, heartwarming theatrical art that can evoke such emotions from my cynical, drunken brain-box. Well, that's going a bit too far, I like certain actors, I'll just stay with that. Sir Ian McKellan for example, I like. He's just about the only actor you will have heard of. Others I like are Stephen Mangan, Paul Whitehouse, Robert Webb and a few special others who work in the adult entertainment industry. These actors are all English. I don't know what that says about actors from other countries, actually I know exactly what it says. The American actors are generally too obnoxious and loud. The Canadian actors are too friendly and shivering, and the Australian actors are too drunk and unknown. There must be something about the English style of acting, the history of Shakespeare and so on, that breeds humility and decency among English/Scottish/Irish and Welsh actors.

Tom Cruise*blurrgh* is the epitome of the useless modern actor. He hasn't given a decent film performance since "Born on the Fourth of July". The moment Cruise walks on to a talk show, the audience mess their pants with excitement. Then, he talks to the host, this is where the disappointment sets in, because he's not a terribly funny person, he's not very interesting either, which is strange because he SHOULD be interesting - he drives Formula One cars and flies helicopters down to the shops to buy some milk. But even still, he's not very interesting.

The modern actor is a strange beast. They are praised and given millions of dollars for pretending to be something they're not. They are professional liars. Politicians are also professional liars, but they don't talk endlessly about how being a politician is so hard and challenging, they just kill innocent people and accept bribes regularly. This way of life for the modern actor must be very damaging to their clearly smaller than average brains. Thinking that you're the best person on the planet because you dress up like Abraham Lincoln and pretend to be him for two and a half hours, doesn't follow whatsoever. If I, a non-actor, dressed up as Lincoln and pretended to be him, I'd be taken to a mental hospital against my will. I'd say, "No I'm not crazy", which is exactly what crazy people say, by the way. If I was in charge of the world, which I will be one day, I'd send qualified psychiatrists and psychologists to a few random theaters and film studios in order to diagnose whatever number of actors they deem to be mentally unstable. Gradually all the actors in the world would be housed in mental hospitals.

Without actors in the world, the world's news programs could get back to telling us the REAL news stories that are going on. And, as a final little glint of happiness, I would organize theater productions within the enormous mental hospital that houses all the world's actors. These theater productions would feature the ensemble cast of the millennium. Richard Gere, Patrick Stewart, Ricky Gervais, Ben Affleck and all the other actors you've all heard of will be forced to perform the classic films in history.

If you're an actor reading this, I'm not entirely sorry for writing it. In all honesty, you actors would do better for the human race if you just stayed being waiters/waitresses and janitors. Sorry if that sound harsh, I'm telling you this for your own good.

Good Luck,

Ciao.

       





     

"Tonight's top story....Miley Cyrus dances suggestively"

I don't know whether any of you have watched one of the top "News" programmes in your country. If you have, you will have noticed that the "News" they tell you most about is not really worth knowing at all. The world's biggest problems like climate change, the Catholic church scandals, famine, disease, the problems in Syria, and so on, all take a back seat to the problems that the "News" shows think are more important. For example, recently on one of the news shows in Australia had for their top story, "Miley Cyrus' dancing at VMA's causes outrage among some, and admiration among others". What in the name of all that is holy does that have to do with news. I want to know how things are progressing in the fields of science, the cure for cancer and so on. I want to know how the situation is developing in Syria. I DON'T want to be told on national television, that a young woman danced suggestively at an awards show. Neither do I want to be told that Justin Bieber's new album has certain lyrics that have caused outrage within the Christian Bieber Foundation of America! That's not worth being told about on national T.V.

The reason why these "News" shows talk about unimportant things is because they have to compete with other news shows. If one show talks about Bieber, they will be more likely to have higher viewing figures than another show that only talks about Syria or the economy or anything that actually matters. This is a terrible thing, because the people who get into journalism and eventually end up on these "News" shows went into journalism because they were interested in the truth, and giving the truth to people in an unbiased way. But, when they end up on crappy news shows, they have to abandon their love of the truth and the real issues, because the massive corporations in charge of their show wants to have the highest ratings, and therefore more money.

Christopher Hitchens, the great English-American journalist/writer, famously said that the best thing about being a journalist was that you never had to rely on mainstream news media to get your news. He said many brilliant things, but this might just be the best thing he ever said. I've decided I'm going back to University to complete my Bachelor of Arts degree(majoring in Journalism) just so that I'll never have to watch a turgid, saccharine "news" show in order to know what's going on in the world. "Tonight's top story: Miley Cyrus says her new acting role is the hardest thing she's ever done". Never again will I have to sit through these insulting types of news stories..........And, by the looks of it, the one thing Miley Cyrus knows a lot about, is hard things!

Ciao.       

Loneliness is okay.

I am a lonely person by nature. I've been alone for the majority of my 21 years on this planet and you know what; it's okay. It's fine. I used to feel the immense pressure from my parents, friends and colleagues to "get out there", meet people and get a stable girlfriend. This pressure was very annoying and possibly slightly damaging to my developing brain. But, in the past few months, I've come to the conclusion that loneliness is not such a bad thing. Being inherently lonely means that YOU can decide who you want to let into your life. You don't have to succumb to the social pressure-cookers of nightclubs, house parties and gatherings of obnoxious, drunken "popular" people, all of them gliding around the place like coked up butterflies, telling awful jokes to unwitting guests and generally making themselves look ridiculous to anybody with a shred of a cynical brain cell.

If, like me, you're a lonely person by nature, don't feel afraid or depressed. I know it will be hard at first, but you need to embrace your loneliness(embrace is such a cliche word, but I can't think of a better one). Do things that you know you enjoy and do them often. Don't for one minute think that going out and talking to as many people as possible in order to temporarily cure your loneliness will make you feel any better. It won't. You'll feel good while you're talking to or meeting new people, but as soon as you go your separate ways, you'll feel lonelier than ever!

One thing that has helped me a great deal has been online video games. The sort of games where you can talk/chat to the other players. You don't have to meet them face to face, you don't have to undertake any sort of "commitment" with them, you just type messages to them. Because the sort of online games I play are mostly military/shooting games, a typical message I'd type to another player would be something along the lines of, "Kill that sniper to the South-East", or, "Don't shoot, I'm on YOUR team". You see, short little messages that allow you to communicate with people how YOU want to. Because of this online video game phenomenon, I've been able to meet three very nice people that I couldn't have possibly met anywhere else, an American hippie, a computing student from Singapore and a Serbian DJ. Obviously if video games aren't your thing, you could do the exact same thing on chat-rooms, I imagine.

So, next time you're feeling lonely and downtrodden, just remember that you are in control of your loneliness, it's not a disease or mental illness. If you feel like going out and meeting people, then go for it, but it won't change anything about your innate loneliness, it will only alleviate it for a very short time. The best thing to do is very simple; do whatever makes YOU happy, and not what others think you should be doing to deal with loneliness and boredom. Going out and getting drunk is probably the best, most enjoyable way of dealing with a lonely day, but you can't do that every single time you're feeling lonely/bored. You have to mix it up a bit. Go get drunk one night, play some video games the next night, go for a run the next night etc. Doing something BIG also helps. Maybe you have an idea for a movie or a book that you've never got round to writing? Start writing it! You won't feel lonely when you're in the writing-zone when your mind seems to flow endlessly with ideas.

Everybody has hobbies, whether they are lonely people or not. Your hobbies are incredibly important to dealing with lonely boredom. But on another note, very rarely in your life, maybe only once, you'll meet someone who is extraordinary, and you'll never feel lonely or bored if you're with that person. I've never met such a person, but if you have, then that's great. Start a comedy double act with that person, or start a lucrative business with them. Good luck! Ciao.



 

Smart people are so weird.

You are about to read an account written by a man I once knew. It tells the tale of how he became a different person when he started university, and how a very strange man changed his life forever. Interesting stuff. 

Enjoy.


"Getting to be a University person guy..........


I'll be honest here, I didn't do very well in High School. I passed Year 12, but didn't do well enough to earn a place at a University. I'd never really planned on going to a University, but a lot of my friends were planning on it. So, a few years after my graduation, I decided that I would quite like to go to a University. The STAT test was what I did, I only just passed that test, but never followed up on my enrollment to the University of Adelaide because of my crippling social anxiety and wayward brain-box I had at that time.

Four years after my High School graduation, I ventured into the local TAFE campus to apply for a place in the "foundation course" that Flinders University offered to dumbass people like me who didn't succeed in the kill-or-be-killed, relentless retention of facts and exam answer world of High School. 

When I enrolled and entered Flinders University, I was shocked and stunned by the snobby demeanor of the other students. They spoke in a way that made me call them "gay" and "rich fags". This loutish behaviour of mine was noticed immediately by the head-honchos of the University. They called me into their little clan base. They berated me and mentally tortured me by bringing up the memory of my squalid working-class upbringing. I was made to feel inferior and worthless. From that moment on, I was inculcated into the intellectual world of the University.

(a Hipster kit given to all new university students, free of charge)

Now, being a member of the University sophisticate, I changed my dress sense. I now wore tight jeans and low Nike sneakers. My eyes were in perfect condition, but I still affected a pair of black rimmed glasses. A maroon cardigan became my inseparable best friend. The girls at the campus just ate this Hipster look right up. I was on the verge of impregnating every other girl in the University. Until one fine September day, my life was sent into a tailspin.

I was walking down the main pebble-stone pathway in the fine campus of Flinders University, when I saw a sight so horrifying, so terrifying, I literally dropped my Latte Mocha Frappacino on the ground! 

A janitor had taken his pants off and had started to wave his "purple headed yogurt monster" around at all the passers-by. This man looked like he had a problem with alcohol, nicotine and possibly meth. This man had clearly never been a student of higher learning. He had the sort of uncouth belligerence that only a working class person would exude. In my deepest, most authoritative voice, "Stop it right now, Sir. Put your penis back into your trousers and leave me be. I'm late for a recital of obscure Serbian poetry, and you are in my way. Go away". The awful man did indeed go away, but he waved goodbye to me.....with his penis! I was so repulsed I nearly regurgitated my salt-reduced rice cakes up.

Shocked and shaking with fear, I entered the theater to listen to a reading of some very good obscure Serbian poetry. I didn't understand Serbian, but I was told that I could read along with an English translation. So, as I got myself ready to listen, I sat down and took my black rimmed glasses off(because I can't read with them on). I opened the book of poetry and waited for the author to show up. To my utter terror, the janitor with the penis problem walked onto the stage

and took his seat. He opened the book of poetry in front of him, and began to read the poetry with a charming and beautiful voice. I sat there, I listened to him read, I read along with the English translation, and I cried tears of happiness because of the sheer beauty of the words.

From that moment on, my life was changed. This disgusting bastard of a man had showed me that behaving like an animal and having a sloppy dress sense wasn't actually the end of the world. He was clearly a genius, yet he also had the self confidence to wave his private parts at people. He didn't have a care in the world. When I left the poetry reading, I threw my hipster glasses in the bin, whereupon a flock of Hipsters dived into the bin to recover them. I took my silly cardigan off and then put on an old, dirty Liverpool F.C. shirt and then I walked into a McDonalds restaurant and ordered an enormous heart-attack inducing meal. I felt so happy with my new working class lifestyle. I embraced the lifestyle of the inarticulate slob. And just think, the person I have to thank for my new-found happiness was a drunk Serbian poet wearing a janitor's outfit who had a habit of
waving his penis at random people. Ah, life is a funny thing isn't it?!" 

License To Smoke? You've gotta be *wheezy cough* kidding me!

In New South Wales(Australia), a group of "experts" are very adamant on imposing a license to smoke - in order to discourage people, especially teenagers, from smoking cigarettes.

This is a silly idea, let me tell you why............oh hold on, I've got to refill my oxygen canister...........*click* *wheezy cough* *click*.............there we go.

First of all, almost anyone could come up to you while you're smoking peacefully in one of the three or four places in Australia where you are actually allowed to smoke, and say to you "Can I please see your licence". This is troublesome and incredibly annoying to think about if you're a smoker, which I am. So I'm troubled and incredibly annoyed.

Secondly, when you go into a shop to buy a pack of cigarettes, the people working in the shop will now hold an enormous amount of power over you. They'll ask you for your licence, and if you can't produce your licence for whatever reason, they will scream at you and kick you out of the shop, and possibly call the police (further research required on that last bit).

Thirdly, there will undoubtedly be "smoking officers" roaming around cities and towns. These officers will stop you mid-cigarette and ask you in a forceful yet "understanding" tone "Please may I see your licence". Smokers will eventually become so frustrated by being stopped all the time, that there will have to be a new police code invented for describing the brutal murder of a smoking officer - code 616 I predict it will be called.

Fourthly, the idea of a smoking licence implies that you will have to take smoking "lessons". I don't need smoking lessons, thank you very much, I'm an incredibly adept smoker, I can puff away with the best of them.

Dear Government,

If you really don't want people to smoke, if you, quite rightly, think that smoking is a terrible thing to do, then BAN THEM! Ban cigarettes, make them illegal. This is coming from a smoker, ban cigarettes! It will be tough for the first few weeks, but after the first couple thousand of suicides due to nicotine starvation, the nation will be healthier than ever.

Thank you, I need a smoke now.