Eat your heart out, Julian Assange and Wikileaks. I've managed to get hold of the most incredible secret document just a few moments ago. This document is almost certainly of an extra-terrestrial origin. After much analysis, we believe this document you're about to read seems to be some kind of report. An alien seems to be reporting back to his/hers/its superiors.
We believe their HQ would look something like this
Please be careful not to tell very many people about this. Even though this is on the internet now, I'm quite confident that no one important will find out about it, because this blog is seen by such a tiny number of people....*sadface*
So, without further ado, here it is. Prepare yourselves.
Report from Planet Earth
"Reconnaissance unit leader No.- Major Sligtob
This report is for Karlog Mabtor's eyeballs only
Any unauthorized eyeballs reading this report will be punished very severely by small creatures being inserted into their undergarments.
"When I first learned I would be shot down to the Planet Earth, I was very hesitant, and then quite afraid. We'd all heard of the barbaric ways of the Earthians on our own home planet. The wars, the genocide, the television programming, the food, the drugs and all of the trademark Earthian quirks which are a direct threat to the future of all intelligent life in the galaxy.
The trip to Earth was the first hiccup I encountered. When I was beamed(one-way) to Earth, I was diverted to the Earth's moon by the endless bureaucracy of the Earthian space authorities. I had to talk to some head-honchos on Earth via a thing called a "telephonic device", and finally got my beaming undiverted back straight to Earth.
The atmosphere on Earth is a strange kind of thing. It's hot in some places, and cold in other parts. There is no consistency in the atmosphere. No uniform weather. The Earthians haven't yet discovered how to control the weather. And they never will if they keep killing everything on their planet! I thought about giving the barbaric Earthians the power and knowledge of planetary weather control. I pondered this for a good 30 Earth minutes, but I was arrested for a thing called "loitering", which, on our planet, would be called "standing".
The city I visited first, was New York. A city is a kind of giant metallic organism, which people live and work in. New York is a very intriguing place. Everybody looks different. Everybody was doing different things. They seemed to have no sense of uniformity or proper order. I had to try to fit in and not look too obviously alien-like. So I copied the behavior of the natives. I walked up to a roadside food salesman. I stood there and waited for the salesman to greet me. But he just stood there looking at my face in a rather odd way. He then shouted "WADDYA WANT?" I responded, "please give me your finest culinary creation". He then proceeded to pick up a thin tube of generic animal matter and placed it in between an inedible looking kind of smooth beige rock, which he had cut in half to make way for the tube of dead animal! Eating this thing was the single most incredible experience of my life. I have placed trace amounts of this "hot-dog" food in the envelope of this letter, so the guys back at the lab should be able to reassemble the full hot-dog, and just you wait.....for the taste sensation of the "HOT-DOG"!
Unfortunately my visit was cut short very abruptly. The pleasure I felt because of this hot-dog, caused me to blow my cover in the most embarrassing way. My true form was revealed I couldn't help it. It tasted so good, I couldn't help but let my cover go. The people around me screamed and ran away in pure terror. The police were called, and eventually the armed forces showed up. I was arrested and put into solitary confinement at a place called Area 51.
Send help,
Yours sincerely, Maj. Sligtob."
Your life is now changed, thank me later.
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