Leaked NASA story of Mars Astronaut! (fake)

FOR TOP SECRET PERSONNEL ONLY

The following account is top secret.
Unauthorized readers will be dealt with quickly and secretly.

"Crash, bang, wallop! The cosmic rain was falling so very hard on the flimsy tin roof of the 5491 Endeavor-mobile. Captain Jonathan Glorpe, sensing a catastrophic structural failure of his six-wheeled space exploration vehicle, engaged the turbo-ion-phaser-quark engine afterburners, and with a short burst of blue flame, he traveled off, away from the rainfall at a staggering speed! 


Captain Glorpe returned to his base-camp atop the aptly named Bloody Big Mountain(named by Glorpe himself, what a guy!). He cooked some dinner, he recorded his thoughts on his day's activities and he went to sleep inside his Manchester United sleeping bag." 

The two paragraphs above were written by Glorpe himself, in his own particular, entertaining narrative style, before we lost contact with him for a short while. They are real accounts of real things that really happened.....for real!

Some background information about this brave soul will be available for you to read in the next paragraph. But just briefly, I'd like to extend my deepest condolences to his sweet 18 year old life-partner, who's had to endure such a long time without her man.  

Captain Glorpe was sent to Mars in the year 2034. He graduated top of his class at NASA in 2031. Along with Glorpe, three other astronauts were sent to Mars; Major Jackson, Commander Spliff and Corporal Faku. Only Captain Glorpe survived "the incident", while the three others died. The incident in question occurred on the 25th of May, 2032. A life-form of unknown origin, possibly a Martian, entered the NASA base-camp, and completely destroyed three of the astronauts using a futuristic looking laser gun. With just three shots from its laser gun, the "Martian" practically vaporized the three poor men from NASA. Captain Glorpe managed to survive because he overslept and missed the morning alarm. The Martian seemed to not to bother with Capt. Glorpe, perhaps because the Martian got whatever it came for, or maybe because it didn't see the sleeping Glorpe as a threat. Anyway, all relevant authorities on Earth have been informed of this terrible incident, and all are acting in their own special and unique way to find out more and how to defeat these illegal aliens.

Captain Glorpe has sent messages back to Earth, messages to his family and friend, messages about things that he is missing back on Earth, such as the release of Justin Bieber's 78th album, and the second series of "Are You Smarter Than An Earthling?" Currently Captain Glorpe is set to arrive back on Earth in ten months time, and no doubt, NASA and other organizations, will be questioning him very rigorously about his experiences on Mars.

Over and out.