Wednesday 11 September 2013

May I have this dance? NO!

Dance the night away. NO! I can’t dance, in the words of the great Charlie Brooker, “I look like a frightened horse on a frozen lake.”  

The world is full of people who literally cannot enjoy themselves at a party, or wedding, or in a club, unless YOU dance more or less at the same time, and in the same vicinity that they do their dancing in. Why do some people refuse to accept the fact that certain other people, me, do not want to dance. They’ll say things like, “Come on, you know you want to have a dance”. My response to this is always, “No. I really don’t want to dance. I know my own feelings better than you do…..*murmur*…shithead!”


A particularly horrific experience happened to me a few years ago. I was in a nightclub in Adelaide, Australia. I went there for no good reason. I hadn't been out in a long time, and I stupidly thought that I could have the ladies flocking around me, and that I could pick and choose which ones I wanted to, uuhhm, “play hospitals” with.

I did not succeed with the ladies that night. Not one single thing that happened that night could be described as successful. First of all, a quite drunk girl took a shine to me, and insisted that I dance with her. I knew full well that if I danced provocatively and sensually with this girl, I would have given myself a very good chance of “playing hospitals” with her later that night. But, through sheer willpower and self-assurance, I refused to dance with her.

I could very strongly sense that my refusal to dance with an attractive girl was something that had never been done in this particular establishment. A few moments passed, and a small semi-circle had formed around this girl and me. The guys around us were saying, “Go on you pussy, grind on her you c@#t.” The girls around us however, seemed a lot more understanding, and even though a few of them were encouraging me to get up and dance, most of them stood there just watching on with looks of despair and pity – which I preferred!
I did not end up dancing with this girl, I had to leave the nightclub and I ended up walking home. I did a lot of thinking on the way home, sorry, I mean, I did a lot of drinking. It helped with the embarrassment quite well.

To this day I have never danced with a woman. I have however been relatively quite successful with the opposite sex. So, this means that dancing, no matter how appealing women find it, is NOT necessary to attract interest.

One of Bill Hicks’ funniest jokes, in my opinion, is the following, “You know, women say they love a man who can dance. But if a man is out on the dance floor grooving to the music and letting all his emotions out, what does it matter, ladies? He’s gay! You've got no chance.”          

Monday 9 September 2013

Possibly the last post I'll make. Thanks a lot, Tony Abbott.

Tony Abbott is now the Prime Minister of Australia. So, this could well be the last post I make on my blog, in fact, it could be the last thing I'll ever do. This man is a creepy shell of a human being. An intolerable person who, not surprisingly for a right-wing person, doesn't follow scientific evidence, he prefers the "faith" he has in his Catholicism.

This country is now all set for a hell of a ride. A ride straight down to the bowels of HELL!

I've now been looking on the internet for a place to live in remote Siberia, just to clear my head and to get away from Abbott's Australia.

I may be able to continue writing this blog, but only if I can get internet access in the frozen wastelands that my hunting lodge will situated in.

Bye bye.

Thursday 5 September 2013

Need money? I've got your answer.

Whenever you find yourself short on money, don't go out and get a loan, don't ask for money from relatives or friends, don't sell your body, don't do any of the normal things you'd think of to raise a bit more money. What you need to do is very simple. You need to get yourself a nice bottle of wine or spirits, whichever you can afford, and have a very relaxed evening. You should drink the stuff, then get on to Youtube and watch self-improvement videos. Tony Robbins, The Secret, and all those inspirational people. Their videos will definitely have an effect on you. You will almost instantly begin to LOATHE these charlatans. Your mental processes will be slightly enhanced by the alcohol, and so you'll be able pick apart every little thing that these self-help speakers throw out onto their glossy eyed audiences. You'll begin to feel immense anger because of the fact that these people are rich beyond belief, even though they don' say anything that means anything. The alcohol will now be acting strongly on you, you'll become adventurous and daring. You'll begin to devise a business plan to go toe-to-toe with self-help gurus. This business will skyrocket as soon you begin to meet more and more people who were also short on money and turned to self-help gurus. This business will rival Microsoft for annual profit eventually, and Bill Gates will turn to YOU for self-help advice. But you'll say "No. Self-help is a lie and a scam, that's what my whole company is based on, Bill".

Anyway, I'm short of money at this present time. I've gone out and bought the cheapest bottle of Vodka I could find. I've just got home and I've booted up the old Youtube machine in front of me right now, and I'm about to watch an incredibly long playlist of self-help videos!

Wish me luck, if anything I've written above makes any sense at all, it means I'll be rich, rich, rich in a few short years.

Name of my upcoming company? Well, how about "Tony Robbins Can Piss Off Pty Ltd".

Bye bye.