May I have this dance? NO!

Dance the night away. NO! I can’t dance, in the words of the great Charlie Brooker, “I look like a frightened horse on a frozen lake.”  

The world is full of people who literally cannot enjoy themselves at a party, or wedding, or in a club, unless YOU dance more or less at the same time, and in the same vicinity that they do their dancing in. Why do some people refuse to accept the fact that certain other people, me, do not want to dance. They’ll say things like, “Come on, you know you want to have a dance”. My response to this is always, “No. I really don’t want to dance. I know my own feelings better than you do…..*murmur*…shithead!”

A particularly horrific experience happened to me a few years ago. I was in a nightclub in Adelaide, Australia. I went there for no good reason. I hadn't been out in a long time, and I stupidly thought that I could have the ladies flocking around me, and that I could pick and choose which ones I wanted to, uuhhm, “play hospitals” with.

I did not succeed with the ladies that night. Not one single thing that happened that night could be described as successful. First of all, a quite drunk girl took a shine to me, and insisted that I dance with her. I knew full well that if I danced provocatively and sensually with this girl, I would have given myself a very good chance of “playing hospitals” with her later that night. But, through sheer willpower and self-assurance, I refused to dance with her.

I could very strongly sense that my refusal to dance with an attractive girl was something that had never been done in this particular establishment. A few moments passed, and a small semi-circle had formed around this girl and me. The guys around us were saying, “Go on you pussy, grind on her you c@#t.” The girls around us however, seemed a lot more understanding, and even though a few of them were encouraging me to get up and dance, most of them stood there just watching on with looks of despair and pity – which I preferred!

I did not end up dancing with this girl, I had to leave the nightclub and I ended up walking home. I did a lot of thinking on the way home, sorry, I mean, I did a lot of drinking. It helped with the embarrassment quite well.

To this day I have never danced with a woman. I have however been relatively quite successful with the opposite sex. So, this means that dancing, no matter how appealing women find it, is NOT necessary to attract interest.

One of Bill Hicks’ funniest jokes, in my opinion, is the following, “You know, women say they love a man who can dance. But if a man is out on the dance floor grooving to the music and letting all his emotions out, what does it matter, ladies? He’s gay! You've got no chance.”