May I have this dance? NO!

Dance the night away. NO! I can’t dance, in the words of the great Charlie Brooker, “I look like a frightened horse on a frozen lake.”  

The world is full of people who literally cannot enjoy themselves at a party, or wedding, or in a club, unless YOU dance more or less at the same time, and in the same vicinity that they do their dancing in. Why do some people refuse to accept the fact that certain other people, me, do not want to dance. They’ll say things like, “Come on, you know you want to have a dance”. My response to this is always, “No. I really don’t want to dance. I know my own feelings better than you do…..*murmur*…shithead!”

A particularly horrific experience happened to me a few years ago. I was in a nightclub in Adelaide, Australia. I went there for no good reason. I hadn't been out in a long time, and I stupidly thought that I could have the ladies flocking around me, and that I could pick and choose which ones I wanted to, uuhhm, “play hospitals” with.

I did not succeed with the ladies that night. Not one single thing that happened that night could be described as successful. First of all, a quite drunk girl took a shine to me, and insisted that I dance with her. I knew full well that if I danced provocatively and sensually with this girl, I would have given myself a very good chance of “playing hospitals” with her later that night. But, through sheer willpower and self-assurance, I refused to dance with her.

I could very strongly sense that my refusal to dance with an attractive girl was something that had never been done in this particular establishment. A few moments passed, and a small semi-circle had formed around this girl and me. The guys around us were saying, “Go on you pussy, grind on her you c@#t.” The girls around us however, seemed a lot more understanding, and even though a few of them were encouraging me to get up and dance, most of them stood there just watching on with looks of despair and pity – which I preferred!

I did not end up dancing with this girl, I had to leave the nightclub and I ended up walking home. I did a lot of thinking on the way home, sorry, I mean, I did a lot of drinking. It helped with the embarrassment quite well.

To this day I have never danced with a woman. I have however been relatively quite successful with the opposite sex. So, this means that dancing, no matter how appealing women find it, is NOT necessary to attract interest.

One of Bill Hicks’ funniest jokes, in my opinion, is the following, “You know, women say they love a man who can dance. But if a man is out on the dance floor grooving to the music and letting all his emotions out, what does it matter, ladies? He’s gay! You've got no chance.”          

Possibly the last post I'll make. Thanks a lot, Tony Abbott.

Tony Abbott is now the Prime Minister of Australia. So, this could well be the last post I make on my blog, in fact, it could be the last thing I'll ever do. This man is a creepy shell of a human being. An intolerable person who, not surprisingly for a right-wing person, doesn't follow scientific evidence, he prefers the "faith" he has in his Catholicism.

This country is now all set for a hell of a ride. A ride straight down to the bowels of HELL!

I've now been looking on the internet for a place to live in remote Siberia, just to clear my head and to get away from Abbott's Australia.

I may be able to continue writing this blog, but only if I can get internet access in the frozen wastelands that my hunting lodge will situated in.

Bye bye.

Need money? I've got your answer.

Whenever you find yourself short on money, don't go out and get a loan, don't ask for money from relatives or friends, don't sell your body, don't do any of the normal things you'd think of to raise a bit more money. What you need to do is very simple. You need to get yourself a nice bottle of wine or spirits, whichever you can afford, and have a very relaxed evening. You should drink the stuff, then get on to Youtube and watch self-improvement videos. Tony Robbins, The Secret, and all those inspirational people. Their videos will definitely have an effect on you. You will almost instantly begin to LOATHE these charlatans. Your mental processes will be slightly enhanced by the alcohol, and so you'll be able pick apart every little thing that these self-help speakers throw out onto their glossy eyed audiences. You'll begin to feel immense anger because of the fact that these people are rich beyond belief, even though they don' say anything that means anything. The alcohol will now be acting strongly on you, you'll become adventurous and daring. You'll begin to devise a business plan to go toe-to-toe with self-help gurus. This business will skyrocket as soon you begin to meet more and more people who were also short on money and turned to self-help gurus. This business will rival Microsoft for annual profit eventually, and Bill Gates will turn to YOU for self-help advice. But you'll say "No. Self-help is a lie and a scam, that's what my whole company is based on, Bill".

Anyway, I'm short of money at this present time. I've gone out and bought the cheapest bottle of Vodka I could find. I've just got home and I've booted up the old Youtube machine in front of me right now, and I'm about to watch an incredibly long playlist of self-help videos!

Wish me luck, if anything I've written above makes any sense at all, it means I'll be rich, rich, rich in a few short years.

Name of my upcoming company? Well, how about "Tony Robbins Can Piss Off Pty Ltd".

Bye bye.

The 2014 World Cup for Football, or soccer, if you prefer.

I'll say this straight up front, I'm betting quite a large amount of money on Brazil to win the 2014 World Cup. My reasons, I hear you ask?

Well, first of all, Brazil will be in their own country with their own fans. Secondly, they have the best centre-back pairing in the world(Thiago Silva and David Luiz, or Dante). Brazil has never really been known for its outstanding defense, but Thiago Silva is the captain, and possibly the best defender on Earth. Thirdly, the rest of the Brazilian team is full of superstars. Oscar, Neymar, Pedro and Hulk to name but four. And fourthly, they play better than any other team in the world at the present time. They beat the reigning World Cup winners, Spain, in the Confederations Cup earlier this year. Spain was untouchable during the last World Cup, and Brazil beat them comfortably in the Confed's Cup.

So, who else has a chance at next year's World Cup? Well, the Belgian team looks very, very promising. They have a pretty dismal record in all World Cup competitions, but now, their team is filled with superstars like Benteke, Vertonghen, Mirallas, Dembele and a few others with silly names like that.

England? Well, England have ALWAYS had a very experienced and highly skilled team, but for various reasons, they've not been able to win a World Cup since 1966! They will most likely not win, but it'll be incredibly dramatic and fun to watch the England team next year. Even more fun will be watching the semi-deluded English public follow their team to the bitter end.

Spain? I don't really fancy the Spanish team to do very well. I'm a bit biased because I don't particularly like the way the Spanish team plays football. They play very effectively, but their style doesn't interest me as much as the fast counter-attacking, long passing style of play. Spain will probably do quite well, maybe even reach the semi-finals, but I wouldn't count on them winning.



Germany? I think Germany will do very, very well. I'd expect them to make it to the semi-finals, at least. They have always been a powerhouse in world football, and their current team looks like of their best ever. Cold, clinical and efficient is the German way, and their football team exemplifies this in its barest essence. Germany will do well in next year's World Cup, as they always do!






Italy? I've always thoroughly enjoyed the way the Italian team plays. They are ROCK SOLID in defense, and they counter-attack with blinding speed and skill. But, their current team has undergone immense changes. They no longer play in the "Catennacio" style. Catennacio means door bolt. The catennacio style emphasized a near impenetrable defense, and then would rely on skillful players to score the goals. One goal would be enough in the catennacio style, because the defense would simply not allow opponent goals to be scored. Anyway, Italy no longer plays with this very unique, they now play in a more midfield orientated style. Midfield domination is the key part of the current Italian team's style. And luckily, they have several of the world's best midfield players. So, Italy should do well in the World Cup, and I hope they do, because I really like the way they play.

There you have it. If you have any thoughts on other teams that might stand a good chance in the 2014 World Cup, let me know in the comments.

Cheers,

Andrew.

    

 

Does anyone know what Grand Theft Auto V is like?

Is anyone out there a game tester, or has had access to the game "Grand Theft Auto 5"? If you have played the game, can you please leave a comment regarding your thoughts. Is the game as good as everyone thinks it will be, is it enjoyable to play, does the huge size of the map have any disadvantages? Things like that.
Even write a list of pros and cons if you want to.

Thank you,

Andrew

Oi Oi Lads, let's smash his face in, just after this game is over.

Football hooliganism was, and is, a very strange thing. It reached its worst in the 80's. English football teams in particular were very bad indeed. In fact, ALL English teams were banned from ALL European competition from 1985 to 1990. What caused this ban? It was put in place because of the Heysel Stadium disaster, in Brussels. Basically what happened was that during the European Cup final between Liverpool and Juventus. The hooligans from both teams started a bit of a riot, and part of the stadium collapsed. 39 Juventus fans were killed, and 600 more were injured. It was deemed that the Liverpool hooligans were largely to blame, and so they were banned from all European competition for 6 years. All other English teams were banned for just 5 years.

Heysel Disaster Madness

You see, football, when it's played very well, is one of the most beautiful things you could possibly see in your lifetime. Why then, does such a relatively non-combat, gentlemanly game have in its past, and still does to some extent, the most vicious and violent fans of any other sport?

A lot of the ferocity may come from the fact that football teams are, here comes the gooey cliche, just a fact of life for many many people around the world. Religion is often inextricably linked to certain football teams as well. For example, if you're a Catholic born in Glasgow, you'll almost certainly be raised a Celtic fan. If you're a Protestant born in Glasgow, you'll almost certainly be a Rangers fan. So in the Scottish capital city , you have a very old religious disagreement acting itself out within the two football teams.

I love football, but I can't figure out why you'd want to smash someone's face in just because they support a rival team. It's supposed to be about friendly rivalvry, even at the pinnacles of the World Cup or the European Cup final. If you're a hooligan, or you feel you may have hooligan tendencies, let me tell you, "STOP! Don't punch anyone, don't throw bottles at opposing supporters, just enjoy the game. Sit back, sing for your team, boo the other team if you want, but don't let it get physical!"

Thank God that hooliganism has been very harshly dealt with over the years, because the vast majority of us football fans just want to be able to go to the stadium, watch the game, buy some horribly overpriced beer, and enjoy ourselves. It's very hard to enjoy yourself when you're spending most of the 90 minutes dodging bricks and having to take your friend to the hospital for stitches.

I don't know how this works, but Scottish police use totally
non-violent tactics like this at Celtic/Ranger games.

Thank you police, I never thought I'd ever say that! Thank you for making football a viable and safe alternative to watching TV talent shows and visiting relatives you don't like.



     

Was Obi-Wan an alcoholic?

"This shiny blue bottle opener makes a weird noise"

As all Star Wars nerds will know, Obi-Wan had a very hard life. I'll list all the bad shit he had to go through.

1. He wasn't really good enough to be accepted into the Jedi Order. He was destined for the Agricultural Corps before Qui Gon Jin took him under his wing and turned him into a Jedi.
2. His master was killed by Darth Maul in the most tragic, and predictable, way.
3. When he took Anakin under his wing, the Jedi Order was very hesitant about it. He would've been judged very harshly by Yoda and Mace Windu, and a whole host of other Jedi's, most of which had names that you couldn't pronounce properly without having an anaphylactic spasm.
4. His pupil(Anakin) gave him a lot of attitude and very frequently got the two of them in serious trouble.
5. He had some of the worst dialogue in film history to work with.
6. And finally, his pupil turned to the dark side, and he had to fight him on a hellhole of a planet. Eventually he had to dismember Anakin just to get Hayden Christensen to stop acting!

Drinking on the job again!

So, all of those awful things happened to Obi-Wan, and what did he do to soothe his rattled nerves? In my opinion, he hit the bottle....hard!

After the events on Mustafar, which mainly involved Anakin being burned and even more traumatically, being played by Hayden Christensen, Obi-Wan took Anakin's two babies to Tatooine to grow up. I imagine that after he dropped the two kids off at Owen's place, he went out to the famous Mos Eisley cantina and ordered an enormous amount of hard liquor. Obviously he got hooked on the sensation of being drunk and relaxed, and so there began his long addiction to "booze" or "fire-water".

He spent so much on booze, that he could no longer afford to live in the more swanky areas of Tatooine, which aren't very swanky, at all. This led him to take up residency in a small abandoned hut inside the Dune Sea.

His hut is sparse, and has a huge cellar full of vintage bottles of Corellian brandy. Occasionally he stumbles out into the Dune Sea, making weird noises and pulling pranks on Jawa's. This state of affairs lasts for quite a few years, and then he finally meets Luke Skywalker, thus leading our shaking-with-delirium tremens hero, Obi-Wan to cut back on the hooch and start to live an active life again.

His duel with his old apprentice on-board the Death Star shows very clearly, a man with a disintegrated nervous system. He shakes uncontrollably while holding his lightsaber(not a euphemism), he slurs his words and has very grandiose ideas: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine".

After Vader defeated Obi-Wan, he took his old master's alcohol stained robe and occassionally sniffed it for old time's sake, and vividly remembers the smell of Corellian brandy. Vader then realized that his master had been drinking for most of their time together during the Clone Wars. Vader feels better about turning to the dark side, because at least he didn't have a drinking problem to battle with.

Obi-Wan does end up quitting alcohol though, because when he becomes one with the force, he is no longer able to eat or drink anything. But, he became one with the force in the exact state his body was in when he died. So, he becomes a perpetually drunk force-ghost, popping up here and there, talking shit to Luke and Leia. A happy ending after all.

Thus concludes my outlandish theory, thanks for reading.

Show and tell story from a very rough school.

note. Please read this in the voice of a small child doing show and tell. It will make it a lot funnier, hopefully.

Yesterday I did a lot of things. I woke up at about lunchtime and said "Happy Fathers Day" to my daddy. I got him a funny card and some lottery tickets. He was happy. He said "thank you very much". Then I was happy, because he said he liked all the stuff.

Then a few hours later, I got a call from my friend. He said, "would you like to come over to my house to play some video games?" I said "yes, I want to do that very much". We played some video games together, it was very fun. We played a soccer game on the Xbox and I played well and I think all the lads gave 110 percent. We came and we played well and we went away with the vital 3 points we needed.

After the video games, I got in my car and drove home. But my car had a small amount of petrol, so I filled it back up again, and also bought some cigarettes with the left over money. As I was driving home, I got pulled over by a policeman. He said "Hello young man, have you had anything to drink tonight?" I said "no" and then drove off. I think the policeman must have been in a lonely mood, because as soon as I drove off, he started to chase me. I didn't have time to play chasey chase, so I ran the red lights, drove up onto the sidewalk and got home safe and sound. My car had a few nasty bruises, though.

When I got home, I took my trench coat off and lit up a cigarette. My mummy was not pleased at all. She said, "Jimmy! What have I told you about leaving your trench coat on the floor? Put it on the coat rack". Then I put it on the coat rack, and I blew smoke in her face as I walked over to the fridge. My mummy coughed for a few minutes and then asked me if I wanted my milk warmed up, and I said "yes please". She warmed it up and gave it to me. I drank all of it and even poured some whisky into the milk. I like when I trick mummy like that. After my milk she put me to bed because she thought I was tired. I wasn't tired, I was just really really drunk.

I passed out and had a good night's sleep. That was what I did yesterday. I hope you all enjoyed my show and tell. My name's Jimmy, and I'll cut you up if you tell anyone about the police chase I was in. Got it! Good.

Thank you for listening.

p.s. If your mummies or daddies are running low on crack, I'll give them my locker combination. My crack-locker has an honesty system of payment. If you take some crack, please leave a bit of money in there.