Oi Oi Lads, let's smash his face in, just after this game is over.

Football hooliganism was, and is, a very strange thing. It reached its worst in the 80's. English football teams in particular were very bad indeed. In fact, ALL English teams were banned from ALL European competition from 1985 to 1990. What caused this ban? It was put in place because of the Heysel Stadium disaster, in Brussels. Basically what happened was that during the European Cup final between Liverpool and Juventus. The hooligans from both teams started a bit of a riot, and part of the stadium collapsed. 39 Juventus fans were killed, and 600 more were injured. It was deemed that the Liverpool hooligans were largely to blame, and so they were banned from all European competition for 6 years. All other English teams were banned for just 5 years.

Heysel Disaster Madness

You see, football, when it's played very well, is one of the most beautiful things you could possibly see in your lifetime. Why then, does such a relatively non-combat, gentlemanly game have in its past, and still does to some extent, the most vicious and violent fans of any other sport?

A lot of the ferocity may come from the fact that football teams are, here comes the gooey cliche, just a fact of life for many many people around the world. Religion is often inextricably linked to certain football teams as well. For example, if you're a Catholic born in Glasgow, you'll almost certainly be raised a Celtic fan. If you're a Protestant born in Glasgow, you'll almost certainly be a Rangers fan. So in the Scottish capital city , you have a very old religious disagreement acting itself out within the two football teams.

I love football, but I can't figure out why you'd want to smash someone's face in just because they support a rival team. It's supposed to be about friendly rivalvry, even at the pinnacles of the World Cup or the European Cup final. If you're a hooligan, or you feel you may have hooligan tendencies, let me tell you, "STOP! Don't punch anyone, don't throw bottles at opposing supporters, just enjoy the game. Sit back, sing for your team, boo the other team if you want, but don't let it get physical!"

Thank God that hooliganism has been very harshly dealt with over the years, because the vast majority of us football fans just want to be able to go to the stadium, watch the game, buy some horribly overpriced beer, and enjoy ourselves. It's very hard to enjoy yourself when you're spending most of the 90 minutes dodging bricks and having to take your friend to the hospital for stitches.

I don't know how this works, but Scottish police use totally
non-violent tactics like this at Celtic/Ranger games.

Thank you police, I never thought I'd ever say that! Thank you for making football a viable and safe alternative to watching TV talent shows and visiting relatives you don't like.



     

Was Obi-Wan an alcoholic?

"This shiny blue bottle opener makes a weird noise"

As all Star Wars nerds will know, Obi-Wan had a very hard life. I'll list all the bad shit he had to go through.

1. He wasn't really good enough to be accepted into the Jedi Order. He was destined for the Agricultural Corps before Qui Gon Jin took him under his wing and turned him into a Jedi.
2. His master was killed by Darth Maul in the most tragic, and predictable, way.
3. When he took Anakin under his wing, the Jedi Order was very hesitant about it. He would've been judged very harshly by Yoda and Mace Windu, and a whole host of other Jedi's, most of which had names that you couldn't pronounce properly without having an anaphylactic spasm.
4. His pupil(Anakin) gave him a lot of attitude and very frequently got the two of them in serious trouble.
5. He had some of the worst dialogue in film history to work with.
6. And finally, his pupil turned to the dark side, and he had to fight him on a hellhole of a planet. Eventually he had to dismember Anakin just to get Hayden Christensen to stop acting!

Drinking on the job again!

So, all of those awful things happened to Obi-Wan, and what did he do to soothe his rattled nerves? In my opinion, he hit the bottle....hard!

After the events on Mustafar, which mainly involved Anakin being burned and even more traumatically, being played by Hayden Christensen, Obi-Wan took Anakin's two babies to Tatooine to grow up. I imagine that after he dropped the two kids off at Owen's place, he went out to the famous Mos Eisley cantina and ordered an enormous amount of hard liquor. Obviously he got hooked on the sensation of being drunk and relaxed, and so there began his long addiction to "booze" or "fire-water".

He spent so much on booze, that he could no longer afford to live in the more swanky areas of Tatooine, which aren't very swanky, at all. This led him to take up residency in a small abandoned hut inside the Dune Sea.

His hut is sparse, and has a huge cellar full of vintage bottles of Corellian brandy. Occasionally he stumbles out into the Dune Sea, making weird noises and pulling pranks on Jawa's. This state of affairs lasts for quite a few years, and then he finally meets Luke Skywalker, thus leading our shaking-with-delirium tremens hero, Obi-Wan to cut back on the hooch and start to live an active life again.

His duel with his old apprentice on-board the Death Star shows very clearly, a man with a disintegrated nervous system. He shakes uncontrollably while holding his lightsaber(not a euphemism), he slurs his words and has very grandiose ideas: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine".

After Vader defeated Obi-Wan, he took his old master's alcohol stained robe and occassionally sniffed it for old time's sake, and vividly remembers the smell of Corellian brandy. Vader then realized that his master had been drinking for most of their time together during the Clone Wars. Vader feels better about turning to the dark side, because at least he didn't have a drinking problem to battle with.

Obi-Wan does end up quitting alcohol though, because when he becomes one with the force, he is no longer able to eat or drink anything. But, he became one with the force in the exact state his body was in when he died. So, he becomes a perpetually drunk force-ghost, popping up here and there, talking shit to Luke and Leia. A happy ending after all.

Thus concludes my outlandish theory, thanks for reading.

Show and tell story from a very rough school.

note. Please read this in the voice of a small child doing show and tell. It will make it a lot funnier, hopefully.

Yesterday I did a lot of things. I woke up at about lunchtime and said "Happy Fathers Day" to my daddy. I got him a funny card and some lottery tickets. He was happy. He said "thank you very much". Then I was happy, because he said he liked all the stuff.

Then a few hours later, I got a call from my friend. He said, "would you like to come over to my house to play some video games?" I said "yes, I want to do that very much". We played some video games together, it was very fun. We played a soccer game on the Xbox and I played well and I think all the lads gave 110 percent. We came and we played well and we went away with the vital 3 points we needed.

After the video games, I got in my car and drove home. But my car had a small amount of petrol, so I filled it back up again, and also bought some cigarettes with the left over money. As I was driving home, I got pulled over by a policeman. He said "Hello young man, have you had anything to drink tonight?" I said "no" and then drove off. I think the policeman must have been in a lonely mood, because as soon as I drove off, he started to chase me. I didn't have time to play chasey chase, so I ran the red lights, drove up onto the sidewalk and got home safe and sound. My car had a few nasty bruises, though.

When I got home, I took my trench coat off and lit up a cigarette. My mummy was not pleased at all. She said, "Jimmy! What have I told you about leaving your trench coat on the floor? Put it on the coat rack". Then I put it on the coat rack, and I blew smoke in her face as I walked over to the fridge. My mummy coughed for a few minutes and then asked me if I wanted my milk warmed up, and I said "yes please". She warmed it up and gave it to me. I drank all of it and even poured some whisky into the milk. I like when I trick mummy like that. After my milk she put me to bed because she thought I was tired. I wasn't tired, I was just really really drunk.

I passed out and had a good night's sleep. That was what I did yesterday. I hope you all enjoyed my show and tell. My name's Jimmy, and I'll cut you up if you tell anyone about the police chase I was in. Got it! Good.

Thank you for listening.

p.s. If your mummies or daddies are running low on crack, I'll give them my locker combination. My crack-locker has an honesty system of payment. If you take some crack, please leave a bit of money in there.