New Star Wars Game! Say Goodbye To Your Social Life.

It's official.

DICE(the makers of the popular Battlefield series of first-person-shooter games), have announced, in conjunction with EA, that they are working on a Star Wars-based online FPS! Yes, you heard me right.........a Battlefield-type online shooter set in the Star Wars universe! Take my money, take it NOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx4JQf8qR-k

The short trailer you just watched(hopefully), was released to the public at E3 earlier this year. Immediately after it was shown, the crowd cheered and whooped like the pathetic Star Wars nerds they are - I did too.

Very little is known about this upcoming game, so allow me to speculate on what I think would be good.

1. Very few Jedi and Sith. A Jedi or a Sith should be something very rare and special, like they are in the Star Wars films/books.

2. Vehicles, obviously. All the weird vehicles from Star Wars; X-Wings, Tie Fighters, Star Destroyers, even that weird circular thing that General Grievous rode in Episode III.

3. Massive battles. Dozens and dozens of people running around online. Laser beams filling up the entire screen at times would be good.

4. And finally, George Lucas must stay at least 500 miles from the developer's studio/workplace. Lucas cannot have anything to do with this game whatsoever, or else I'll have to do something unspeakable. If George Lucas so much as touches the building where this game is developed, I will dress up as Darth Vader and just stand outside George's house and follow him silently to the shops or the dentists!

Can't wait to shoot Yoda with a blaster pistol? Me neither.

If you haven't heard the news of this game yet, I'm so sorry for now keeping you awake all night. You'll be having nightmares where you're being chased by a group of Tusken Raiders while you're only wearing your underpants. Or worse, you'll dream that you're stuck in an elevator with Jar Jar Binks. Arrrrghh!

Shhhh!

                                              (The below message is written in invisible ink)

                By the way, please employ me, ASIO. I'd genuinely make a great intelligence officer.

Top secret nugget of information: "                                                                                                              "

My sources shall remain nameless............ASSANGE!.....whoops. 

Well, since I've inadvertently given away my source, I should tell you how he's doing. He loves the embassy in Ecuador, he especially loves the fresh coffee and goats milk. 

Okay, I'm probably in a lot of trouble now, so..................goodbye, I might not be alive by the time you read this!  

If you're interested in knowing what the invisible message was, leave a comment and I'll tell you.

The Royal Baby will support............

The Royal baby, George Alexander Louis Windsor His Majesty Dark Lord Whatever, was born a few days ago and the whole world has reacted as if they've never seen or heard of such a thing as a baby before. It's just a baby ladies and gentlemen, it's nice that he's healthy and all that, but thousands of babies are born every day! It's not such a big deal.

Anyway, football fans all over the world have been debating over which team the Royal Baby will grow up to support. I say "football fans all over the world", what I really mean is ME! Sad little me, I was so bored that I actually wrote a blog post about which football team Prince George will support when he's old enough to whip his butler for bringing him cold soup!


If this baby grows up to support the team of his father, he'll support Aston Villa(English Premier League). Not a bad choice really, Aston Villa have won many many trophies down the years, but haven't won anything for a long time. I don't know which team the baby's mother(Kate Middleton) supports, but since she's very posh, she probably supports Chelsea F.C.. A very nice choice for the baby to make, because Chelsea have been incredibly successful in recent years. Since this baby is the Prince of Cambridge, he could end up supporting Cambridge United. A truly terrible team at the moment, but who knows? Maybe the Prince could inject some serious amounts of money into the club, and then the English Premier League will have another Man City on their hands(not likely, by the way).

German fans, because the Royal family is largely German. 

Now, we all know that very posh, upper class people typically do not like football, because football is a working man's sport. They tend to like sports such as Polo, Rugby, Croquet, Butler Whipping and shooting defenseless animals in the face for no reason! But since they apparently represent "the people" of the Commonwealth, they have to pretend that they care about football. And they've pretended very successfully in my opinion. For example, Prince William and David Cameron support Aston Villa. If they REALLY didn't give a shit about football, they'd just say that they support Manchester United because they're the "best" team in England. But they don't, they support Aston Villa, because of Aston Villa's great history of success and pretty colours. 

Anyway, the Royal Baby, in my opinion, will pretend to support one of the London clubs. It could be Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, QPR or even Charlton Athletic. Seeing as Tottenham are on the way up, I'll put money on the Royal Baby growing up to support Tottenham Hotspur.

There it is!....................I'm a fool, I know. Bye.  

Amazing Leaked Document of Extraterrestrial Origin......read with discretion!

A few weeks ago, I posted about a leaked NASA Martian mission, including firsthand quotes. Well, I've got something even more amazing for you now. This new document proves that intelligent life HAS been to Earth before, at least once!

Eat your heart out, Julian Assange and Wikileaks. I've managed to get hold of the most incredible secret document just a few moments ago. This document is almost certainly of an extra-terrestrial origin. After much analysis, we believe this document you're about to read seems to be some kind of report. An alien seems to be reporting back to his/hers/its superiors.

                                         We believe their HQ would look something like this

Please be careful not to tell very many people about this. Even though this is on the internet now, I'm quite confident that no one important will find out about it, because this blog is seen by such a tiny number of people....*sadface*

So, without further ado, here it is. Prepare yourselves.

Report from Planet Earth

"Reconnaissance unit leader No.- Major Sligtob

This report is for Karlog Mabtor's eyeballs only

Any unauthorized eyeballs reading this report will be punished very severely by small creatures being inserted into their undergarments.


"When I first learned I would be shot down to the Planet Earth, I was very hesitant, and then quite afraid. We'd all heard of the barbaric ways of the Earthians on our own home planet. The wars, the genocide, the television programming, the food, the drugs and all of the trademark Earthian quirks which are a direct threat to the future of all intelligent life in the galaxy. 

The trip to Earth was the first hiccup I encountered. When I was beamed(one-way) to Earth, I was diverted to the Earth's moon by the endless bureaucracy of the Earthian space authorities. I had to talk to some head-honchos on Earth via a thing called a "telephonic device", and finally got my beaming undiverted back straight to Earth.

The atmosphere on Earth is a strange kind of thing. It's hot in some places, and cold in other parts. There is no consistency in the atmosphere. No uniform weather. The Earthians haven't yet discovered how to control the weather. And they never will if they keep killing everything on their planet! I thought about giving the barbaric Earthians the power and knowledge of planetary weather control. I pondered this for a good 30 Earth minutes, but I was arrested for a thing called "loitering", which, on our planet, would be called "standing".

The city I visited first, was New York. A city is a kind of giant metallic organism, which people live and work in. New York is a very intriguing place. Everybody looks different. Everybody was doing different things. They seemed to have no sense of uniformity or proper order. I had to try to fit in and not look too obviously alien-like. So I copied the behavior of the natives. I walked up to a roadside food salesman. I stood there and waited for the salesman to greet me. But he just stood there looking at my face in a rather odd way. He then shouted "WADDYA WANT?" I responded, "please give me your finest culinary creation". He then proceeded to pick up a thin tube of generic animal matter and placed it in between an inedible looking kind of smooth beige rock, which he had cut in half to make way for the tube of dead animal! Eating this thing was the single most incredible experience of my life. I have placed trace amounts of this "hot-dog" food in the envelope of this letter, so the guys back at the lab should be able to reassemble the full hot-dog, and just you wait.....for the taste sensation of the "HOT-DOG"!

Unfortunately my visit was cut short very abruptly. The pleasure I felt because of this hot-dog, caused me to blow my cover in the most embarrassing way. My true form was revealed  I couldn't help it. It tasted so good, I couldn't help but let my cover go. The people around me screamed and ran away in pure terror. The police were called, and eventually the armed forces showed up. I was arrested and put into solitary confinement at a place called Area 51.

Send help,

Yours sincerely, Maj. Sligtob."


Your life is now changed, thank me later.

  






  

You'll Never Walk(Win) Alone.

Liverpool Football club have come out victorious against the now ironically named Melbourne Victory! Over 95,000 people packed into the Melbourne Cricket Ground(MCG), and just before the game, they all sang the famous Liverpool anthem "You'll Never Walk Alone" in unison. A stirring sight and sound for sure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbqAqVSbdzs

Many people believed that Liverpool would absolutely demolish Melbourne Victory. They didn't. They only won by two goals. In fact, Melbourne Victory played better throughout the whole match. Their passes were better, they were physically tougher, and they seemed to retain possession of the ball a lot better.

But, Liverpool ended up scoring twice and winning. Why? Because they have these so-called "star" players. Now, the "star" players are very very good, but I just don't like the word "star", and I can't think of a better word to replace it. So let's just call them "twinkly" players for now.

These twinkly players include Steven Gerrard, Luis Suarez, and to a lesser extent, Raheem Sterling. These players are able to play just that little bit better than the rest for brief periods of brilliance. This is what scored Liverpool their two goals tonight against Melbourne. Steven Gerrard scored the first goal after a trademark charging run up from midfield. The second goal was largely due to Luis Suarez taking on several defenders and eventually toe-poking it to another Liverpool player who tapped it into the net.

As good as Melbourne Victory are, they just don't have these "twinkly" players in their team. Even though they played tougher and arguably better than Liverpool, they didn't have the classy experience of Gerrard or Suarez. It's a bit like a beautifully delicious bowl of ice-cream. You can eat the most extraordinary bowl of ice-cream on its own, and you'll love it, but it's made SO MUCH better with a sprinkle of nuts, or a squeeze of raspberry sauce. The nuts and raspberry sauce in this stupid analogy are Gerrard and Suarez-type players. I hope you understand, because I'm not too sure I do!

It's no wonder that Barcelona and Manchester United are the best teams in the world. It's because their whole teams are made up of these star players. Barcelona vs Melbourne Victory, now THAT would've been a game to watch!      

MacDonald's is the place!

If you're looking for a life partner, get yourself down to the nearest MacDonald's. Inside these wondrous buildings, the world can be your oyster(they don't serve oysters, by the way). If you're looking for a cheap thrill, get down to the very same MacDonald's. These establishments have inside them, the most extraordinary things for you to consume, in exchange for money substances. Everybody thinks of the big M as only having burgers and impossibly salty chips. But no, they also act as a staging post for the most adventurous and charmingly reckless people you'll ever meet.

Almost every MacDonald's on a Friday or Saturday night acts as a sort of base-camp for the people inside. Next time you're in one, you'll know what I'm talking about. These party people go to McD's to fill their stomachs with absorbent, crappy food in order to be able to drink more alcohol in the next few hours. McD's also have toilets(no surprise really). These toilets are plentiful and relatively clean. They have to be, because the party people will be back in McD's in a few hours to throw up in them, or to have very brief sexual relationships!

A good friend of mine met his wife in a branch of McD's. She was very drunk and was vomiting in the MENS toilets. He walked in to have a pee, and fell in love almost instantly(so romantic). Nowhere else would that kind of thing happen. Not in a bar, not in a restaurant, not even in a nightclub, because the stupid music would be pumping so hard, you wouldn't be able to distinguish male from female because your head would be vibrating so much!

Their food, is terrible. Everyone knows that. And the people that work there are paid very VERY little. But, next time you are in a branch of McD's, try to see the place as a very diverse social club......with fucked up food. See the food as a peripheral thing. The food is not there because it's good. It's there because a social club needs a bit of nourishment available to it's members. The food is very clever in a way, because it is loaded with truly immense amounts of salt. The more salt you have in your system, the thirstier you will get(therefore, you buy more drinks). Only a corporation of geniuses would be so devilishly clever in that way!(please send me free samples, McD's)

And, McD's can make you irresistible to the opposite sex, or the same sex, if you're a homosexual person. Because, the food is so fatty and sugary, it gives you a primal sensation of pleasure when you eat it. These primal feelings of pleasure enhance all of your other primal feelings, including lust and sexual desire. So, the next time you see an attractive woman or man eating a Big Mac, you've got a very good chance of scoring with them. Go for it, you horny, fat bastards!

In conclusion, McD's is the best place on Earth if you're looking for a high-fat meal or a cheap one-night-stand! Win win.

"Justin Bieber could be a bit like Jesus, or possibly, Hitler?"

In 1994, a baby was born in Canada. Nothing extraordinary so far. But, this baby would one day grow up to be the most famous entertainer on Earth. That baby's name was Justin Bieber! DUN DUN DUUUN!

Discovered in roughly 2007(though no one can be precise on the exact dates, just like the Bible) via his YouTube videos. These videos featured a very young Bieber singing and dancing like a bit of a superstar. A very influential man by the name of Scooter Braun then signed Bieber to his record label(I think).

From that moment on, Bieber has continued to skyrocket higher and higher up the ladder of fame and fortune. In fact, by the age of 18, just for a few short minutes, he was richer than Bill Gates. Unfortunately he splurged all the money on chocolate milk and skittles for himself and his entire entourage. Amazingly, that day he blew seven billion dollars!

With million and millions of devotees all over the world, Bieber, if he wanted to, could very well take over the world, or a large portion of it. This thought must be bouncing around the "Dear Bieber's" head quite often. And I, for one, would not complain if the Dear Bieber decided to amass an enormous following and start his own religion/philosophy/state etc. Why has he not done this?! He could be the dictator of Bieberland. He'd be completely immune to any criticism, and paparazzi's would be burnt alive if they were found guilty of picture taking. A complete wonderland where Bieber and his followers could live in peace and quiet, just chilling out and listening to Bieber's 178th album on a constant loop over loud speakers. Loud speakers in every room of every building in Bieberland.

This exact scheme has, of course, been done before. North Korea operates under the very same scheme, and they seem alright, don't they? Stalin's Russia was also very similar, and historians are still talking about that, so it must have been pretty cool, right?

So, look forward to this happening in the coming years, because it will happen, or at least something very similar. David Beckham, for example, has a vast business empire under his control. But obviously, Beckham is nowhere near smart enough to think of creating an actual empire. Bieber however, has some very shrewd and clever people in his entourage(probably), and if they sense the time is right, they could very well start up a bit of a revolution and then carve out a huge part of the United States' homeland for Bieber and his people.

I actually wouldn't mind if Bieber and his people decided to do this. Because it would never turn violent like every other example of this kind of thing that's ever happened before. The total lack of violence and aggression would come from the fact that Bieber's music would be pumping nonstop all throughout Bieberland, and all the inhabitants would be so tired from screaming and chasing the Dear Bieber, that they wouldn't be bothered getting angry, and would just go have a nap after a long hard day's screaming.

My prediction.........by the year 2025, Bieberland will be under construction, and nobody will really take it seriously. Nobody'll take it seriously, until North Korea declares war on Bieberland, and then the Dear Bieber defeats the Dear Leader in a rap battle, thereby leading North Korea to disband through sheer embarrassment, and also a small amount of admiration for the superior Dear Bieber.

Do it, Beebs! You know you want to.