May I have this dance? NO!

Dance the night away. NO! I can’t dance, in the words of the great Charlie Brooker, “I look like a frightened horse on a frozen lake.”  

The world is full of people who literally cannot enjoy themselves at a party, or wedding, or in a club, unless YOU dance more or less at the same time, and in the same vicinity that they do their dancing in. Why do some people refuse to accept the fact that certain other people, me, do not want to dance. They’ll say things like, “Come on, you know you want to have a dance”. My response to this is always, “No. I really don’t want to dance. I know my own feelings better than you do…..*murmur*…shithead!”

A particularly horrific experience happened to me a few years ago. I was in a nightclub in Adelaide, Australia. I went there for no good reason. I hadn't been out in a long time, and I stupidly thought that I could have the ladies flocking around me, and that I could pick and choose which ones I wanted to, uuhhm, “play hospitals” with.

I did not succeed with the ladies that night. Not one single thing that happened that night could be described as successful. First of all, a quite drunk girl took a shine to me, and insisted that I dance with her. I knew full well that if I danced provocatively and sensually with this girl, I would have given myself a very good chance of “playing hospitals” with her later that night. But, through sheer willpower and self-assurance, I refused to dance with her.

I could very strongly sense that my refusal to dance with an attractive girl was something that had never been done in this particular establishment. A few moments passed, and a small semi-circle had formed around this girl and me. The guys around us were saying, “Go on you pussy, grind on her you c@#t.” The girls around us however, seemed a lot more understanding, and even though a few of them were encouraging me to get up and dance, most of them stood there just watching on with looks of despair and pity – which I preferred!

I did not end up dancing with this girl, I had to leave the nightclub and I ended up walking home. I did a lot of thinking on the way home, sorry, I mean, I did a lot of drinking. It helped with the embarrassment quite well.

To this day I have never danced with a woman. I have however been relatively quite successful with the opposite sex. So, this means that dancing, no matter how appealing women find it, is NOT necessary to attract interest.

One of Bill Hicks’ funniest jokes, in my opinion, is the following, “You know, women say they love a man who can dance. But if a man is out on the dance floor grooving to the music and letting all his emotions out, what does it matter, ladies? He’s gay! You've got no chance.”          

Possibly the last post I'll make. Thanks a lot, Tony Abbott.

Tony Abbott is now the Prime Minister of Australia. So, this could well be the last post I make on my blog, in fact, it could be the last thing I'll ever do. This man is a creepy shell of a human being. An intolerable person who, not surprisingly for a right-wing person, doesn't follow scientific evidence, he prefers the "faith" he has in his Catholicism.

This country is now all set for a hell of a ride. A ride straight down to the bowels of HELL!

I've now been looking on the internet for a place to live in remote Siberia, just to clear my head and to get away from Abbott's Australia.

I may be able to continue writing this blog, but only if I can get internet access in the frozen wastelands that my hunting lodge will situated in.

Bye bye.

Need money? I've got your answer.

Whenever you find yourself short on money, don't go out and get a loan, don't ask for money from relatives or friends, don't sell your body, don't do any of the normal things you'd think of to raise a bit more money. What you need to do is very simple. You need to get yourself a nice bottle of wine or spirits, whichever you can afford, and have a very relaxed evening. You should drink the stuff, then get on to Youtube and watch self-improvement videos. Tony Robbins, The Secret, and all those inspirational people. Their videos will definitely have an effect on you. You will almost instantly begin to LOATHE these charlatans. Your mental processes will be slightly enhanced by the alcohol, and so you'll be able pick apart every little thing that these self-help speakers throw out onto their glossy eyed audiences. You'll begin to feel immense anger because of the fact that these people are rich beyond belief, even though they don' say anything that means anything. The alcohol will now be acting strongly on you, you'll become adventurous and daring. You'll begin to devise a business plan to go toe-to-toe with self-help gurus. This business will skyrocket as soon you begin to meet more and more people who were also short on money and turned to self-help gurus. This business will rival Microsoft for annual profit eventually, and Bill Gates will turn to YOU for self-help advice. But you'll say "No. Self-help is a lie and a scam, that's what my whole company is based on, Bill".

Anyway, I'm short of money at this present time. I've gone out and bought the cheapest bottle of Vodka I could find. I've just got home and I've booted up the old Youtube machine in front of me right now, and I'm about to watch an incredibly long playlist of self-help videos!

Wish me luck, if anything I've written above makes any sense at all, it means I'll be rich, rich, rich in a few short years.

Name of my upcoming company? Well, how about "Tony Robbins Can Piss Off Pty Ltd".

Bye bye.

The 2014 World Cup for Football, or soccer, if you prefer.

I'll say this straight up front, I'm betting quite a large amount of money on Brazil to win the 2014 World Cup. My reasons, I hear you ask?

Well, first of all, Brazil will be in their own country with their own fans. Secondly, they have the best centre-back pairing in the world(Thiago Silva and David Luiz, or Dante). Brazil has never really been known for its outstanding defense, but Thiago Silva is the captain, and possibly the best defender on Earth. Thirdly, the rest of the Brazilian team is full of superstars. Oscar, Neymar, Pedro and Hulk to name but four. And fourthly, they play better than any other team in the world at the present time. They beat the reigning World Cup winners, Spain, in the Confederations Cup earlier this year. Spain was untouchable during the last World Cup, and Brazil beat them comfortably in the Confed's Cup.

So, who else has a chance at next year's World Cup? Well, the Belgian team looks very, very promising. They have a pretty dismal record in all World Cup competitions, but now, their team is filled with superstars like Benteke, Vertonghen, Mirallas, Dembele and a few others with silly names like that.

England? Well, England have ALWAYS had a very experienced and highly skilled team, but for various reasons, they've not been able to win a World Cup since 1966! They will most likely not win, but it'll be incredibly dramatic and fun to watch the England team next year. Even more fun will be watching the semi-deluded English public follow their team to the bitter end.

Spain? I don't really fancy the Spanish team to do very well. I'm a bit biased because I don't particularly like the way the Spanish team plays football. They play very effectively, but their style doesn't interest me as much as the fast counter-attacking, long passing style of play. Spain will probably do quite well, maybe even reach the semi-finals, but I wouldn't count on them winning.



Germany? I think Germany will do very, very well. I'd expect them to make it to the semi-finals, at least. They have always been a powerhouse in world football, and their current team looks like of their best ever. Cold, clinical and efficient is the German way, and their football team exemplifies this in its barest essence. Germany will do well in next year's World Cup, as they always do!






Italy? I've always thoroughly enjoyed the way the Italian team plays. They are ROCK SOLID in defense, and they counter-attack with blinding speed and skill. But, their current team has undergone immense changes. They no longer play in the "Catennacio" style. Catennacio means door bolt. The catennacio style emphasized a near impenetrable defense, and then would rely on skillful players to score the goals. One goal would be enough in the catennacio style, because the defense would simply not allow opponent goals to be scored. Anyway, Italy no longer plays with this very unique, they now play in a more midfield orientated style. Midfield domination is the key part of the current Italian team's style. And luckily, they have several of the world's best midfield players. So, Italy should do well in the World Cup, and I hope they do, because I really like the way they play.

There you have it. If you have any thoughts on other teams that might stand a good chance in the 2014 World Cup, let me know in the comments.

Cheers,

Andrew.

    

 

Does anyone know what Grand Theft Auto V is like?

Is anyone out there a game tester, or has had access to the game "Grand Theft Auto 5"? If you have played the game, can you please leave a comment regarding your thoughts. Is the game as good as everyone thinks it will be, is it enjoyable to play, does the huge size of the map have any disadvantages? Things like that.
Even write a list of pros and cons if you want to.

Thank you,

Andrew

Oi Oi Lads, let's smash his face in, just after this game is over.

Football hooliganism was, and is, a very strange thing. It reached its worst in the 80's. English football teams in particular were very bad indeed. In fact, ALL English teams were banned from ALL European competition from 1985 to 1990. What caused this ban? It was put in place because of the Heysel Stadium disaster, in Brussels. Basically what happened was that during the European Cup final between Liverpool and Juventus. The hooligans from both teams started a bit of a riot, and part of the stadium collapsed. 39 Juventus fans were killed, and 600 more were injured. It was deemed that the Liverpool hooligans were largely to blame, and so they were banned from all European competition for 6 years. All other English teams were banned for just 5 years.

Heysel Disaster Madness

You see, football, when it's played very well, is one of the most beautiful things you could possibly see in your lifetime. Why then, does such a relatively non-combat, gentlemanly game have in its past, and still does to some extent, the most vicious and violent fans of any other sport?

A lot of the ferocity may come from the fact that football teams are, here comes the gooey cliche, just a fact of life for many many people around the world. Religion is often inextricably linked to certain football teams as well. For example, if you're a Catholic born in Glasgow, you'll almost certainly be raised a Celtic fan. If you're a Protestant born in Glasgow, you'll almost certainly be a Rangers fan. So in the Scottish capital city , you have a very old religious disagreement acting itself out within the two football teams.

I love football, but I can't figure out why you'd want to smash someone's face in just because they support a rival team. It's supposed to be about friendly rivalvry, even at the pinnacles of the World Cup or the European Cup final. If you're a hooligan, or you feel you may have hooligan tendencies, let me tell you, "STOP! Don't punch anyone, don't throw bottles at opposing supporters, just enjoy the game. Sit back, sing for your team, boo the other team if you want, but don't let it get physical!"

Thank God that hooliganism has been very harshly dealt with over the years, because the vast majority of us football fans just want to be able to go to the stadium, watch the game, buy some horribly overpriced beer, and enjoy ourselves. It's very hard to enjoy yourself when you're spending most of the 90 minutes dodging bricks and having to take your friend to the hospital for stitches.

I don't know how this works, but Scottish police use totally
non-violent tactics like this at Celtic/Ranger games.

Thank you police, I never thought I'd ever say that! Thank you for making football a viable and safe alternative to watching TV talent shows and visiting relatives you don't like.



     

Was Obi-Wan an alcoholic?

"This shiny blue bottle opener makes a weird noise"

As all Star Wars nerds will know, Obi-Wan had a very hard life. I'll list all the bad shit he had to go through.

1. He wasn't really good enough to be accepted into the Jedi Order. He was destined for the Agricultural Corps before Qui Gon Jin took him under his wing and turned him into a Jedi.
2. His master was killed by Darth Maul in the most tragic, and predictable, way.
3. When he took Anakin under his wing, the Jedi Order was very hesitant about it. He would've been judged very harshly by Yoda and Mace Windu, and a whole host of other Jedi's, most of which had names that you couldn't pronounce properly without having an anaphylactic spasm.
4. His pupil(Anakin) gave him a lot of attitude and very frequently got the two of them in serious trouble.
5. He had some of the worst dialogue in film history to work with.
6. And finally, his pupil turned to the dark side, and he had to fight him on a hellhole of a planet. Eventually he had to dismember Anakin just to get Hayden Christensen to stop acting!

Drinking on the job again!

So, all of those awful things happened to Obi-Wan, and what did he do to soothe his rattled nerves? In my opinion, he hit the bottle....hard!

After the events on Mustafar, which mainly involved Anakin being burned and even more traumatically, being played by Hayden Christensen, Obi-Wan took Anakin's two babies to Tatooine to grow up. I imagine that after he dropped the two kids off at Owen's place, he went out to the famous Mos Eisley cantina and ordered an enormous amount of hard liquor. Obviously he got hooked on the sensation of being drunk and relaxed, and so there began his long addiction to "booze" or "fire-water".

He spent so much on booze, that he could no longer afford to live in the more swanky areas of Tatooine, which aren't very swanky, at all. This led him to take up residency in a small abandoned hut inside the Dune Sea.

His hut is sparse, and has a huge cellar full of vintage bottles of Corellian brandy. Occasionally he stumbles out into the Dune Sea, making weird noises and pulling pranks on Jawa's. This state of affairs lasts for quite a few years, and then he finally meets Luke Skywalker, thus leading our shaking-with-delirium tremens hero, Obi-Wan to cut back on the hooch and start to live an active life again.

His duel with his old apprentice on-board the Death Star shows very clearly, a man with a disintegrated nervous system. He shakes uncontrollably while holding his lightsaber(not a euphemism), he slurs his words and has very grandiose ideas: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine".

After Vader defeated Obi-Wan, he took his old master's alcohol stained robe and occassionally sniffed it for old time's sake, and vividly remembers the smell of Corellian brandy. Vader then realized that his master had been drinking for most of their time together during the Clone Wars. Vader feels better about turning to the dark side, because at least he didn't have a drinking problem to battle with.

Obi-Wan does end up quitting alcohol though, because when he becomes one with the force, he is no longer able to eat or drink anything. But, he became one with the force in the exact state his body was in when he died. So, he becomes a perpetually drunk force-ghost, popping up here and there, talking shit to Luke and Leia. A happy ending after all.

Thus concludes my outlandish theory, thanks for reading.

Show and tell story from a very rough school.

note. Please read this in the voice of a small child doing show and tell. It will make it a lot funnier, hopefully.

Yesterday I did a lot of things. I woke up at about lunchtime and said "Happy Fathers Day" to my daddy. I got him a funny card and some lottery tickets. He was happy. He said "thank you very much". Then I was happy, because he said he liked all the stuff.

Then a few hours later, I got a call from my friend. He said, "would you like to come over to my house to play some video games?" I said "yes, I want to do that very much". We played some video games together, it was very fun. We played a soccer game on the Xbox and I played well and I think all the lads gave 110 percent. We came and we played well and we went away with the vital 3 points we needed.

After the video games, I got in my car and drove home. But my car had a small amount of petrol, so I filled it back up again, and also bought some cigarettes with the left over money. As I was driving home, I got pulled over by a policeman. He said "Hello young man, have you had anything to drink tonight?" I said "no" and then drove off. I think the policeman must have been in a lonely mood, because as soon as I drove off, he started to chase me. I didn't have time to play chasey chase, so I ran the red lights, drove up onto the sidewalk and got home safe and sound. My car had a few nasty bruises, though.

When I got home, I took my trench coat off and lit up a cigarette. My mummy was not pleased at all. She said, "Jimmy! What have I told you about leaving your trench coat on the floor? Put it on the coat rack". Then I put it on the coat rack, and I blew smoke in her face as I walked over to the fridge. My mummy coughed for a few minutes and then asked me if I wanted my milk warmed up, and I said "yes please". She warmed it up and gave it to me. I drank all of it and even poured some whisky into the milk. I like when I trick mummy like that. After my milk she put me to bed because she thought I was tired. I wasn't tired, I was just really really drunk.

I passed out and had a good night's sleep. That was what I did yesterday. I hope you all enjoyed my show and tell. My name's Jimmy, and I'll cut you up if you tell anyone about the police chase I was in. Got it! Good.

Thank you for listening.

p.s. If your mummies or daddies are running low on crack, I'll give them my locker combination. My crack-locker has an honesty system of payment. If you take some crack, please leave a bit of money in there.   

   

Do yourselves a favor, and join this league.

There is a fantasy football app/program operating on Facebook. I am part of a mini-league that has less than 20 members/participants. I would like you to join this league, in order to bolster our numbers.

The link is https://www.facebook.com/fantasyiteam‎

So, if you're interested in football/soccer, please join our league. The PIN number is 27898. 

Join up, pick your team, have fun!

Actors! Die now, please. Or at least play dead.

                                    Calculon from Futurama is the perfect parody of actors 

Actors are revered in our society to such an extent, that now even on respectable "news" programs, actors can come on and say, "This new role I'm undertaking is the hardest thing I've ever done, but at the same time, I feel it's incredibly worthwhile and a truly great experience". I can translate this for you right now. What they really mean by a sentence like the one above is, "This new job I've been asked to do for absurd amounts of money is very very rewarding in terms of MONEY! And, I shall become even more famous than I am now". Not only are these actors allowed on to respectable shows to say such vile things, but they aren't challenged on their lack of contribution to the human race. Very respectable journalists like Christopher Hitchens, have even been on the record singing praise for various actors. If an intellectual giant like Hitchens could be fooled by the allure of acting and actors, then what hope do the rest of us mere mortals have!?

Don't get me wrong, I like certain actors. I admire a few of them for their works of pure, heartwarming theatrical art that can evoke such emotions from my cynical, drunken brain-box. Well, that's going a bit too far, I like certain actors, I'll just stay with that. Sir Ian McKellan for example, I like. He's just about the only actor you will have heard of. Others I like are Stephen Mangan, Paul Whitehouse, Robert Webb and a few special others who work in the adult entertainment industry. These actors are all English. I don't know what that says about actors from other countries, actually I know exactly what it says. The American actors are generally too obnoxious and loud. The Canadian actors are too friendly and shivering, and the Australian actors are too drunk and unknown. There must be something about the English style of acting, the history of Shakespeare and so on, that breeds humility and decency among English/Scottish/Irish and Welsh actors.

Tom Cruise*blurrgh* is the epitome of the useless modern actor. He hasn't given a decent film performance since "Born on the Fourth of July". The moment Cruise walks on to a talk show, the audience mess their pants with excitement. Then, he talks to the host, this is where the disappointment sets in, because he's not a terribly funny person, he's not very interesting either, which is strange because he SHOULD be interesting - he drives Formula One cars and flies helicopters down to the shops to buy some milk. But even still, he's not very interesting.

The modern actor is a strange beast. They are praised and given millions of dollars for pretending to be something they're not. They are professional liars. Politicians are also professional liars, but they don't talk endlessly about how being a politician is so hard and challenging, they just kill innocent people and accept bribes regularly. This way of life for the modern actor must be very damaging to their clearly smaller than average brains. Thinking that you're the best person on the planet because you dress up like Abraham Lincoln and pretend to be him for two and a half hours, doesn't follow whatsoever. If I, a non-actor, dressed up as Lincoln and pretended to be him, I'd be taken to a mental hospital against my will. I'd say, "No I'm not crazy", which is exactly what crazy people say, by the way. If I was in charge of the world, which I will be one day, I'd send qualified psychiatrists and psychologists to a few random theaters and film studios in order to diagnose whatever number of actors they deem to be mentally unstable. Gradually all the actors in the world would be housed in mental hospitals.

Without actors in the world, the world's news programs could get back to telling us the REAL news stories that are going on. And, as a final little glint of happiness, I would organize theater productions within the enormous mental hospital that houses all the world's actors. These theater productions would feature the ensemble cast of the millennium. Richard Gere, Patrick Stewart, Ricky Gervais, Ben Affleck and all the other actors you've all heard of will be forced to perform the classic films in history.

If you're an actor reading this, I'm not entirely sorry for writing it. In all honesty, you actors would do better for the human race if you just stayed being waiters/waitresses and janitors. Sorry if that sound harsh, I'm telling you this for your own good.

Good Luck,

Ciao.

       





     

"Tonight's top story....Miley Cyrus dances suggestively"

I don't know whether any of you have watched one of the top "News" programmes in your country. If you have, you will have noticed that the "News" they tell you most about is not really worth knowing at all. The world's biggest problems like climate change, the Catholic church scandals, famine, disease, the problems in Syria, and so on, all take a back seat to the problems that the "News" shows think are more important. For example, recently on one of the news shows in Australia had for their top story, "Miley Cyrus' dancing at VMA's causes outrage among some, and admiration among others". What in the name of all that is holy does that have to do with news. I want to know how things are progressing in the fields of science, the cure for cancer and so on. I want to know how the situation is developing in Syria. I DON'T want to be told on national television, that a young woman danced suggestively at an awards show. Neither do I want to be told that Justin Bieber's new album has certain lyrics that have caused outrage within the Christian Bieber Foundation of America! That's not worth being told about on national T.V.

The reason why these "News" shows talk about unimportant things is because they have to compete with other news shows. If one show talks about Bieber, they will be more likely to have higher viewing figures than another show that only talks about Syria or the economy or anything that actually matters. This is a terrible thing, because the people who get into journalism and eventually end up on these "News" shows went into journalism because they were interested in the truth, and giving the truth to people in an unbiased way. But, when they end up on crappy news shows, they have to abandon their love of the truth and the real issues, because the massive corporations in charge of their show wants to have the highest ratings, and therefore more money.

Christopher Hitchens, the great English-American journalist/writer, famously said that the best thing about being a journalist was that you never had to rely on mainstream news media to get your news. He said many brilliant things, but this might just be the best thing he ever said. I've decided I'm going back to University to complete my Bachelor of Arts degree(majoring in Journalism) just so that I'll never have to watch a turgid, saccharine "news" show in order to know what's going on in the world. "Tonight's top story: Miley Cyrus says her new acting role is the hardest thing she's ever done". Never again will I have to sit through these insulting types of news stories..........And, by the looks of it, the one thing Miley Cyrus knows a lot about, is hard things!

Ciao.       

Loneliness is okay.

I am a lonely person by nature. I've been alone for the majority of my 21 years on this planet and you know what; it's okay. It's fine. I used to feel the immense pressure from my parents, friends and colleagues to "get out there", meet people and get a stable girlfriend. This pressure was very annoying and possibly slightly damaging to my developing brain. But, in the past few months, I've come to the conclusion that loneliness is not such a bad thing. Being inherently lonely means that YOU can decide who you want to let into your life. You don't have to succumb to the social pressure-cookers of nightclubs, house parties and gatherings of obnoxious, drunken "popular" people, all of them gliding around the place like coked up butterflies, telling awful jokes to unwitting guests and generally making themselves look ridiculous to anybody with a shred of a cynical brain cell.

If, like me, you're a lonely person by nature, don't feel afraid or depressed. I know it will be hard at first, but you need to embrace your loneliness(embrace is such a cliche word, but I can't think of a better one). Do things that you know you enjoy and do them often. Don't for one minute think that going out and talking to as many people as possible in order to temporarily cure your loneliness will make you feel any better. It won't. You'll feel good while you're talking to or meeting new people, but as soon as you go your separate ways, you'll feel lonelier than ever!

One thing that has helped me a great deal has been online video games. The sort of games where you can talk/chat to the other players. You don't have to meet them face to face, you don't have to undertake any sort of "commitment" with them, you just type messages to them. Because the sort of online games I play are mostly military/shooting games, a typical message I'd type to another player would be something along the lines of, "Kill that sniper to the South-East", or, "Don't shoot, I'm on YOUR team". You see, short little messages that allow you to communicate with people how YOU want to. Because of this online video game phenomenon, I've been able to meet three very nice people that I couldn't have possibly met anywhere else, an American hippie, a computing student from Singapore and a Serbian DJ. Obviously if video games aren't your thing, you could do the exact same thing on chat-rooms, I imagine.

So, next time you're feeling lonely and downtrodden, just remember that you are in control of your loneliness, it's not a disease or mental illness. If you feel like going out and meeting people, then go for it, but it won't change anything about your innate loneliness, it will only alleviate it for a very short time. The best thing to do is very simple; do whatever makes YOU happy, and not what others think you should be doing to deal with loneliness and boredom. Going out and getting drunk is probably the best, most enjoyable way of dealing with a lonely day, but you can't do that every single time you're feeling lonely/bored. You have to mix it up a bit. Go get drunk one night, play some video games the next night, go for a run the next night etc. Doing something BIG also helps. Maybe you have an idea for a movie or a book that you've never got round to writing? Start writing it! You won't feel lonely when you're in the writing-zone when your mind seems to flow endlessly with ideas.

Everybody has hobbies, whether they are lonely people or not. Your hobbies are incredibly important to dealing with lonely boredom. But on another note, very rarely in your life, maybe only once, you'll meet someone who is extraordinary, and you'll never feel lonely or bored if you're with that person. I've never met such a person, but if you have, then that's great. Start a comedy double act with that person, or start a lucrative business with them. Good luck! Ciao.



 

Smart people are so weird.

You are about to read an account written by a man I once knew. It tells the tale of how he became a different person when he started university, and how a very strange man changed his life forever. Interesting stuff. 

Enjoy.


"Getting to be a University person guy..........


I'll be honest here, I didn't do very well in High School. I passed Year 12, but didn't do well enough to earn a place at a University. I'd never really planned on going to a University, but a lot of my friends were planning on it. So, a few years after my graduation, I decided that I would quite like to go to a University. The STAT test was what I did, I only just passed that test, but never followed up on my enrollment to the University of Adelaide because of my crippling social anxiety and wayward brain-box I had at that time.

Four years after my High School graduation, I ventured into the local TAFE campus to apply for a place in the "foundation course" that Flinders University offered to dumbass people like me who didn't succeed in the kill-or-be-killed, relentless retention of facts and exam answer world of High School. 

When I enrolled and entered Flinders University, I was shocked and stunned by the snobby demeanor of the other students. They spoke in a way that made me call them "gay" and "rich fags". This loutish behaviour of mine was noticed immediately by the head-honchos of the University. They called me into their little clan base. They berated me and mentally tortured me by bringing up the memory of my squalid working-class upbringing. I was made to feel inferior and worthless. From that moment on, I was inculcated into the intellectual world of the University.

(a Hipster kit given to all new university students, free of charge)

Now, being a member of the University sophisticate, I changed my dress sense. I now wore tight jeans and low Nike sneakers. My eyes were in perfect condition, but I still affected a pair of black rimmed glasses. A maroon cardigan became my inseparable best friend. The girls at the campus just ate this Hipster look right up. I was on the verge of impregnating every other girl in the University. Until one fine September day, my life was sent into a tailspin.

I was walking down the main pebble-stone pathway in the fine campus of Flinders University, when I saw a sight so horrifying, so terrifying, I literally dropped my Latte Mocha Frappacino on the ground! 

A janitor had taken his pants off and had started to wave his "purple headed yogurt monster" around at all the passers-by. This man looked like he had a problem with alcohol, nicotine and possibly meth. This man had clearly never been a student of higher learning. He had the sort of uncouth belligerence that only a working class person would exude. In my deepest, most authoritative voice, "Stop it right now, Sir. Put your penis back into your trousers and leave me be. I'm late for a recital of obscure Serbian poetry, and you are in my way. Go away". The awful man did indeed go away, but he waved goodbye to me.....with his penis! I was so repulsed I nearly regurgitated my salt-reduced rice cakes up.

Shocked and shaking with fear, I entered the theater to listen to a reading of some very good obscure Serbian poetry. I didn't understand Serbian, but I was told that I could read along with an English translation. So, as I got myself ready to listen, I sat down and took my black rimmed glasses off(because I can't read with them on). I opened the book of poetry and waited for the author to show up. To my utter terror, the janitor with the penis problem walked onto the stage

and took his seat. He opened the book of poetry in front of him, and began to read the poetry with a charming and beautiful voice. I sat there, I listened to him read, I read along with the English translation, and I cried tears of happiness because of the sheer beauty of the words.

From that moment on, my life was changed. This disgusting bastard of a man had showed me that behaving like an animal and having a sloppy dress sense wasn't actually the end of the world. He was clearly a genius, yet he also had the self confidence to wave his private parts at people. He didn't have a care in the world. When I left the poetry reading, I threw my hipster glasses in the bin, whereupon a flock of Hipsters dived into the bin to recover them. I took my silly cardigan off and then put on an old, dirty Liverpool F.C. shirt and then I walked into a McDonalds restaurant and ordered an enormous heart-attack inducing meal. I felt so happy with my new working class lifestyle. I embraced the lifestyle of the inarticulate slob. And just think, the person I have to thank for my new-found happiness was a drunk Serbian poet wearing a janitor's outfit who had a habit of
waving his penis at random people. Ah, life is a funny thing isn't it?!" 

License To Smoke? You've gotta be *wheezy cough* kidding me!

In New South Wales(Australia), a group of "experts" are very adamant on imposing a license to smoke - in order to discourage people, especially teenagers, from smoking cigarettes.

This is a silly idea, let me tell you why............oh hold on, I've got to refill my oxygen canister...........*click* *wheezy cough* *click*.............there we go.

First of all, almost anyone could come up to you while you're smoking peacefully in one of the three or four places in Australia where you are actually allowed to smoke, and say to you "Can I please see your licence". This is troublesome and incredibly annoying to think about if you're a smoker, which I am. So I'm troubled and incredibly annoyed.

Secondly, when you go into a shop to buy a pack of cigarettes, the people working in the shop will now hold an enormous amount of power over you. They'll ask you for your licence, and if you can't produce your licence for whatever reason, they will scream at you and kick you out of the shop, and possibly call the police (further research required on that last bit).

Thirdly, there will undoubtedly be "smoking officers" roaming around cities and towns. These officers will stop you mid-cigarette and ask you in a forceful yet "understanding" tone "Please may I see your licence". Smokers will eventually become so frustrated by being stopped all the time, that there will have to be a new police code invented for describing the brutal murder of a smoking officer - code 616 I predict it will be called.

Fourthly, the idea of a smoking licence implies that you will have to take smoking "lessons". I don't need smoking lessons, thank you very much, I'm an incredibly adept smoker, I can puff away with the best of them.

Dear Government,

If you really don't want people to smoke, if you, quite rightly, think that smoking is a terrible thing to do, then BAN THEM! Ban cigarettes, make them illegal. This is coming from a smoker, ban cigarettes! It will be tough for the first few weeks, but after the first couple thousand of suicides due to nicotine starvation, the nation will be healthier than ever.

Thank you, I need a smoke now.

New Star Wars Game! Say Goodbye To Your Social Life.

It's official.

DICE(the makers of the popular Battlefield series of first-person-shooter games), have announced, in conjunction with EA, that they are working on a Star Wars-based online FPS! Yes, you heard me right.........a Battlefield-type online shooter set in the Star Wars universe! Take my money, take it NOW!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx4JQf8qR-k

The short trailer you just watched(hopefully), was released to the public at E3 earlier this year. Immediately after it was shown, the crowd cheered and whooped like the pathetic Star Wars nerds they are - I did too.

Very little is known about this upcoming game, so allow me to speculate on what I think would be good.

1. Very few Jedi and Sith. A Jedi or a Sith should be something very rare and special, like they are in the Star Wars films/books.

2. Vehicles, obviously. All the weird vehicles from Star Wars; X-Wings, Tie Fighters, Star Destroyers, even that weird circular thing that General Grievous rode in Episode III.

3. Massive battles. Dozens and dozens of people running around online. Laser beams filling up the entire screen at times would be good.

4. And finally, George Lucas must stay at least 500 miles from the developer's studio/workplace. Lucas cannot have anything to do with this game whatsoever, or else I'll have to do something unspeakable. If George Lucas so much as touches the building where this game is developed, I will dress up as Darth Vader and just stand outside George's house and follow him silently to the shops or the dentists!

Can't wait to shoot Yoda with a blaster pistol? Me neither.

If you haven't heard the news of this game yet, I'm so sorry for now keeping you awake all night. You'll be having nightmares where you're being chased by a group of Tusken Raiders while you're only wearing your underpants. Or worse, you'll dream that you're stuck in an elevator with Jar Jar Binks. Arrrrghh!

Shhhh!

                                              (The below message is written in invisible ink)

                By the way, please employ me, ASIO. I'd genuinely make a great intelligence officer.

Top secret nugget of information: "                                                                                                              "

My sources shall remain nameless............ASSANGE!.....whoops. 

Well, since I've inadvertently given away my source, I should tell you how he's doing. He loves the embassy in Ecuador, he especially loves the fresh coffee and goats milk. 

Okay, I'm probably in a lot of trouble now, so..................goodbye, I might not be alive by the time you read this!  

If you're interested in knowing what the invisible message was, leave a comment and I'll tell you.

The Royal Baby will support............

The Royal baby, George Alexander Louis Windsor His Majesty Dark Lord Whatever, was born a few days ago and the whole world has reacted as if they've never seen or heard of such a thing as a baby before. It's just a baby ladies and gentlemen, it's nice that he's healthy and all that, but thousands of babies are born every day! It's not such a big deal.

Anyway, football fans all over the world have been debating over which team the Royal Baby will grow up to support. I say "football fans all over the world", what I really mean is ME! Sad little me, I was so bored that I actually wrote a blog post about which football team Prince George will support when he's old enough to whip his butler for bringing him cold soup!


If this baby grows up to support the team of his father, he'll support Aston Villa(English Premier League). Not a bad choice really, Aston Villa have won many many trophies down the years, but haven't won anything for a long time. I don't know which team the baby's mother(Kate Middleton) supports, but since she's very posh, she probably supports Chelsea F.C.. A very nice choice for the baby to make, because Chelsea have been incredibly successful in recent years. Since this baby is the Prince of Cambridge, he could end up supporting Cambridge United. A truly terrible team at the moment, but who knows? Maybe the Prince could inject some serious amounts of money into the club, and then the English Premier League will have another Man City on their hands(not likely, by the way).

German fans, because the Royal family is largely German. 

Now, we all know that very posh, upper class people typically do not like football, because football is a working man's sport. They tend to like sports such as Polo, Rugby, Croquet, Butler Whipping and shooting defenseless animals in the face for no reason! But since they apparently represent "the people" of the Commonwealth, they have to pretend that they care about football. And they've pretended very successfully in my opinion. For example, Prince William and David Cameron support Aston Villa. If they REALLY didn't give a shit about football, they'd just say that they support Manchester United because they're the "best" team in England. But they don't, they support Aston Villa, because of Aston Villa's great history of success and pretty colours. 

Anyway, the Royal Baby, in my opinion, will pretend to support one of the London clubs. It could be Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, QPR or even Charlton Athletic. Seeing as Tottenham are on the way up, I'll put money on the Royal Baby growing up to support Tottenham Hotspur.

There it is!....................I'm a fool, I know. Bye.  

Amazing Leaked Document of Extraterrestrial Origin......read with discretion!

A few weeks ago, I posted about a leaked NASA Martian mission, including firsthand quotes. Well, I've got something even more amazing for you now. This new document proves that intelligent life HAS been to Earth before, at least once!

Eat your heart out, Julian Assange and Wikileaks. I've managed to get hold of the most incredible secret document just a few moments ago. This document is almost certainly of an extra-terrestrial origin. After much analysis, we believe this document you're about to read seems to be some kind of report. An alien seems to be reporting back to his/hers/its superiors.

                                         We believe their HQ would look something like this

Please be careful not to tell very many people about this. Even though this is on the internet now, I'm quite confident that no one important will find out about it, because this blog is seen by such a tiny number of people....*sadface*

So, without further ado, here it is. Prepare yourselves.

Report from Planet Earth

"Reconnaissance unit leader No.- Major Sligtob

This report is for Karlog Mabtor's eyeballs only

Any unauthorized eyeballs reading this report will be punished very severely by small creatures being inserted into their undergarments.


"When I first learned I would be shot down to the Planet Earth, I was very hesitant, and then quite afraid. We'd all heard of the barbaric ways of the Earthians on our own home planet. The wars, the genocide, the television programming, the food, the drugs and all of the trademark Earthian quirks which are a direct threat to the future of all intelligent life in the galaxy. 

The trip to Earth was the first hiccup I encountered. When I was beamed(one-way) to Earth, I was diverted to the Earth's moon by the endless bureaucracy of the Earthian space authorities. I had to talk to some head-honchos on Earth via a thing called a "telephonic device", and finally got my beaming undiverted back straight to Earth.

The atmosphere on Earth is a strange kind of thing. It's hot in some places, and cold in other parts. There is no consistency in the atmosphere. No uniform weather. The Earthians haven't yet discovered how to control the weather. And they never will if they keep killing everything on their planet! I thought about giving the barbaric Earthians the power and knowledge of planetary weather control. I pondered this for a good 30 Earth minutes, but I was arrested for a thing called "loitering", which, on our planet, would be called "standing".

The city I visited first, was New York. A city is a kind of giant metallic organism, which people live and work in. New York is a very intriguing place. Everybody looks different. Everybody was doing different things. They seemed to have no sense of uniformity or proper order. I had to try to fit in and not look too obviously alien-like. So I copied the behavior of the natives. I walked up to a roadside food salesman. I stood there and waited for the salesman to greet me. But he just stood there looking at my face in a rather odd way. He then shouted "WADDYA WANT?" I responded, "please give me your finest culinary creation". He then proceeded to pick up a thin tube of generic animal matter and placed it in between an inedible looking kind of smooth beige rock, which he had cut in half to make way for the tube of dead animal! Eating this thing was the single most incredible experience of my life. I have placed trace amounts of this "hot-dog" food in the envelope of this letter, so the guys back at the lab should be able to reassemble the full hot-dog, and just you wait.....for the taste sensation of the "HOT-DOG"!

Unfortunately my visit was cut short very abruptly. The pleasure I felt because of this hot-dog, caused me to blow my cover in the most embarrassing way. My true form was revealed  I couldn't help it. It tasted so good, I couldn't help but let my cover go. The people around me screamed and ran away in pure terror. The police were called, and eventually the armed forces showed up. I was arrested and put into solitary confinement at a place called Area 51.

Send help,

Yours sincerely, Maj. Sligtob."


Your life is now changed, thank me later.

  






  

You'll Never Walk(Win) Alone.

Liverpool Football club have come out victorious against the now ironically named Melbourne Victory! Over 95,000 people packed into the Melbourne Cricket Ground(MCG), and just before the game, they all sang the famous Liverpool anthem "You'll Never Walk Alone" in unison. A stirring sight and sound for sure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbqAqVSbdzs

Many people believed that Liverpool would absolutely demolish Melbourne Victory. They didn't. They only won by two goals. In fact, Melbourne Victory played better throughout the whole match. Their passes were better, they were physically tougher, and they seemed to retain possession of the ball a lot better.

But, Liverpool ended up scoring twice and winning. Why? Because they have these so-called "star" players. Now, the "star" players are very very good, but I just don't like the word "star", and I can't think of a better word to replace it. So let's just call them "twinkly" players for now.

These twinkly players include Steven Gerrard, Luis Suarez, and to a lesser extent, Raheem Sterling. These players are able to play just that little bit better than the rest for brief periods of brilliance. This is what scored Liverpool their two goals tonight against Melbourne. Steven Gerrard scored the first goal after a trademark charging run up from midfield. The second goal was largely due to Luis Suarez taking on several defenders and eventually toe-poking it to another Liverpool player who tapped it into the net.

As good as Melbourne Victory are, they just don't have these "twinkly" players in their team. Even though they played tougher and arguably better than Liverpool, they didn't have the classy experience of Gerrard or Suarez. It's a bit like a beautifully delicious bowl of ice-cream. You can eat the most extraordinary bowl of ice-cream on its own, and you'll love it, but it's made SO MUCH better with a sprinkle of nuts, or a squeeze of raspberry sauce. The nuts and raspberry sauce in this stupid analogy are Gerrard and Suarez-type players. I hope you understand, because I'm not too sure I do!

It's no wonder that Barcelona and Manchester United are the best teams in the world. It's because their whole teams are made up of these star players. Barcelona vs Melbourne Victory, now THAT would've been a game to watch!      

MacDonald's is the place!

If you're looking for a life partner, get yourself down to the nearest MacDonald's. Inside these wondrous buildings, the world can be your oyster(they don't serve oysters, by the way). If you're looking for a cheap thrill, get down to the very same MacDonald's. These establishments have inside them, the most extraordinary things for you to consume, in exchange for money substances. Everybody thinks of the big M as only having burgers and impossibly salty chips. But no, they also act as a staging post for the most adventurous and charmingly reckless people you'll ever meet.

Almost every MacDonald's on a Friday or Saturday night acts as a sort of base-camp for the people inside. Next time you're in one, you'll know what I'm talking about. These party people go to McD's to fill their stomachs with absorbent, crappy food in order to be able to drink more alcohol in the next few hours. McD's also have toilets(no surprise really). These toilets are plentiful and relatively clean. They have to be, because the party people will be back in McD's in a few hours to throw up in them, or to have very brief sexual relationships!

A good friend of mine met his wife in a branch of McD's. She was very drunk and was vomiting in the MENS toilets. He walked in to have a pee, and fell in love almost instantly(so romantic). Nowhere else would that kind of thing happen. Not in a bar, not in a restaurant, not even in a nightclub, because the stupid music would be pumping so hard, you wouldn't be able to distinguish male from female because your head would be vibrating so much!

Their food, is terrible. Everyone knows that. And the people that work there are paid very VERY little. But, next time you are in a branch of McD's, try to see the place as a very diverse social club......with fucked up food. See the food as a peripheral thing. The food is not there because it's good. It's there because a social club needs a bit of nourishment available to it's members. The food is very clever in a way, because it is loaded with truly immense amounts of salt. The more salt you have in your system, the thirstier you will get(therefore, you buy more drinks). Only a corporation of geniuses would be so devilishly clever in that way!(please send me free samples, McD's)

And, McD's can make you irresistible to the opposite sex, or the same sex, if you're a homosexual person. Because, the food is so fatty and sugary, it gives you a primal sensation of pleasure when you eat it. These primal feelings of pleasure enhance all of your other primal feelings, including lust and sexual desire. So, the next time you see an attractive woman or man eating a Big Mac, you've got a very good chance of scoring with them. Go for it, you horny, fat bastards!

In conclusion, McD's is the best place on Earth if you're looking for a high-fat meal or a cheap one-night-stand! Win win.

"Justin Bieber could be a bit like Jesus, or possibly, Hitler?"

In 1994, a baby was born in Canada. Nothing extraordinary so far. But, this baby would one day grow up to be the most famous entertainer on Earth. That baby's name was Justin Bieber! DUN DUN DUUUN!

Discovered in roughly 2007(though no one can be precise on the exact dates, just like the Bible) via his YouTube videos. These videos featured a very young Bieber singing and dancing like a bit of a superstar. A very influential man by the name of Scooter Braun then signed Bieber to his record label(I think).

From that moment on, Bieber has continued to skyrocket higher and higher up the ladder of fame and fortune. In fact, by the age of 18, just for a few short minutes, he was richer than Bill Gates. Unfortunately he splurged all the money on chocolate milk and skittles for himself and his entire entourage. Amazingly, that day he blew seven billion dollars!

With million and millions of devotees all over the world, Bieber, if he wanted to, could very well take over the world, or a large portion of it. This thought must be bouncing around the "Dear Bieber's" head quite often. And I, for one, would not complain if the Dear Bieber decided to amass an enormous following and start his own religion/philosophy/state etc. Why has he not done this?! He could be the dictator of Bieberland. He'd be completely immune to any criticism, and paparazzi's would be burnt alive if they were found guilty of picture taking. A complete wonderland where Bieber and his followers could live in peace and quiet, just chilling out and listening to Bieber's 178th album on a constant loop over loud speakers. Loud speakers in every room of every building in Bieberland.

This exact scheme has, of course, been done before. North Korea operates under the very same scheme, and they seem alright, don't they? Stalin's Russia was also very similar, and historians are still talking about that, so it must have been pretty cool, right?

So, look forward to this happening in the coming years, because it will happen, or at least something very similar. David Beckham, for example, has a vast business empire under his control. But obviously, Beckham is nowhere near smart enough to think of creating an actual empire. Bieber however, has some very shrewd and clever people in his entourage(probably), and if they sense the time is right, they could very well start up a bit of a revolution and then carve out a huge part of the United States' homeland for Bieber and his people.

I actually wouldn't mind if Bieber and his people decided to do this. Because it would never turn violent like every other example of this kind of thing that's ever happened before. The total lack of violence and aggression would come from the fact that Bieber's music would be pumping nonstop all throughout Bieberland, and all the inhabitants would be so tired from screaming and chasing the Dear Bieber, that they wouldn't be bothered getting angry, and would just go have a nap after a long hard day's screaming.

My prediction.........by the year 2025, Bieberland will be under construction, and nobody will really take it seriously. Nobody'll take it seriously, until North Korea declares war on Bieberland, and then the Dear Bieber defeats the Dear Leader in a rap battle, thereby leading North Korea to disband through sheer embarrassment, and also a small amount of admiration for the superior Dear Bieber.

Do it, Beebs! You know you want to.        

   

Urgent!!

WE HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED.

OUR SECRETS HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED.

FLEE, IMMEDIATELY!





Details regarding our meeting place and what actions we will have to take, will be encoded in the message below,

fnvnsdsdfgajudmtrhskdjxbgvndjdbb♂csptacenteetdlehehehlssol
stetajtttleswasthjintgtontajugjusjt5201j3hhhoohohcoughcoughfart

Marijuana is illegal, but Alcohol and Tobacco is Legal?!

It is an absolute mystery to why Marijuana is illegal, while alcohol and tobacco are completely legal. If the "Government" is really concerned with our health and safety, then why is marijuana illegal? Why is alcohol and tobacco still legal, even though both drugs(alcohol and tobacco) kill more people than all other drugs combined, each year?

I genuinely cannot explain why marijuana is illegal, while the MOST harmful drugs known to man are easily attained, is a fucking mystery to me!

Now, don't get me wrong. I've never smoked marijuana, and I don't really intend to smoke it. But, it is among the most harmless drugs known to man. Alcohol and tobacco, on the other hand, have killed many thousands of people this year alone!

If anybody knows exactly why marijuana is illegal, rather than beer and cigarettes, please tell me in the comments...........I'm desperate to know!

Leaked NASA story of Mars Astronaut! (fake)

FOR TOP SECRET PERSONNEL ONLY

The following account is top secret.
Unauthorized readers will be dealt with quickly and secretly.

"Crash, bang, wallop! The cosmic rain was falling so very hard on the flimsy tin roof of the 5491 Endeavor-mobile. Captain Jonathan Glorpe, sensing a catastrophic structural failure of his six-wheeled space exploration vehicle, engaged the turbo-ion-phaser-quark engine afterburners, and with a short burst of blue flame, he traveled off, away from the rainfall at a staggering speed! 


Captain Glorpe returned to his base-camp atop the aptly named Bloody Big Mountain(named by Glorpe himself, what a guy!). He cooked some dinner, he recorded his thoughts on his day's activities and he went to sleep inside his Manchester United sleeping bag." 

The two paragraphs above were written by Glorpe himself, in his own particular, entertaining narrative style, before we lost contact with him for a short while. They are real accounts of real things that really happened.....for real!

Some background information about this brave soul will be available for you to read in the next paragraph. But just briefly, I'd like to extend my deepest condolences to his sweet 18 year old life-partner, who's had to endure such a long time without her man.  

Captain Glorpe was sent to Mars in the year 2034. He graduated top of his class at NASA in 2031. Along with Glorpe, three other astronauts were sent to Mars; Major Jackson, Commander Spliff and Corporal Faku. Only Captain Glorpe survived "the incident", while the three others died. The incident in question occurred on the 25th of May, 2032. A life-form of unknown origin, possibly a Martian, entered the NASA base-camp, and completely destroyed three of the astronauts using a futuristic looking laser gun. With just three shots from its laser gun, the "Martian" practically vaporized the three poor men from NASA. Captain Glorpe managed to survive because he overslept and missed the morning alarm. The Martian seemed to not to bother with Capt. Glorpe, perhaps because the Martian got whatever it came for, or maybe because it didn't see the sleeping Glorpe as a threat. Anyway, all relevant authorities on Earth have been informed of this terrible incident, and all are acting in their own special and unique way to find out more and how to defeat these illegal aliens.

Captain Glorpe has sent messages back to Earth, messages to his family and friend, messages about things that he is missing back on Earth, such as the release of Justin Bieber's 78th album, and the second series of "Are You Smarter Than An Earthling?" Currently Captain Glorpe is set to arrive back on Earth in ten months time, and no doubt, NASA and other organizations, will be questioning him very rigorously about his experiences on Mars.

Over and out.

    

Nightclubs. Don't Go. Just Don't. Stay at Home, Read a Book or Something.

We've all been there, done that.

I recently spoke with a man who had a very interesting and terrifying story. His story involves a nightclub, and what happened to him in and around the nightclub.

I've tried my best to retell his story as accurately as possible.

Here it is.......

"Nightclubs, right...........

A bunch of semi-drunk, blonde bombshells, all decked to the nines, assaulted me and the passenger in my car. It was a Friday night, and we were driving through the city of Adelaide to get home. The four or five ladies flagged us down, got us to stop our car and then dragged us out onto the streets. They didn't beat us or anything like that. But they did verbally berate us to the point of tears. The reason behind this attack - was simply that these young lasses desperately wanted an iPhone charger. They were all running low on battery power on their iPhones. They were late for their VIP entry into "Le Sheet" nightclub. Without having working iPhones on them meant that they would be
unable to take pictures of themselves and chat to friends on Facebook.

I didn't have a lot of sympathy for these girls, but I was intrigued to the point of Indiana Jones-style adventure. I dropped my passenger off at my house, and then ventured off to investigate this situation. I wanted to know what exactly happens in these so-called "Party places". What would drive a group of luscious girls to attack a harmless couple of citizens? I investigated this phenomenon and very surprising results hit me....in the face, then I was  asked to leave. Anyway, here goes.........

Waiting in line to get into this nightclub was the very first surprise. A man was clearly very drunk, and he was standing in front of me. He vomited on his shoes, then fell over. I brushed him aside and stepped forward one place. As I approached the entrance, I was suddenly seized by a big, bald man. He asked to see my ID. I showed him my ID, and he said I looked much older than my age......I was hurt, to say the least!

As I entered the establishment in question, an overwhelming noise blew my ears off, and the stench of sweat and other bodily fluids bombarded my nostrils. A glowing tube of possibly cancer-causing chemicals was offered to me by a ravishing young lady. I declined the offer, because I didn't want to stand out, because I was on a mission from conservative/straight-edge God!

When I entered the main stage area of "Le Sheet", a man with a camera took my photograph, I did not agree to this, but I could not do anything about it. I wasn't even wearing my best pair of spectacles! Feeling very despondent and glum, I shuffled over to the bar and ordered a double whiskey. The price of this tiny amount of liquid actually made me scream involuntarily. People were giving me strangle looks, and I was giving them strange looks. Nobody of the opposite sex approached me for sex, or just a bit of a chat. The stress of this situation made me want to start smoking again. So I walked out into the outdoor smoking area. I asked a young lady for a cigarette, and she complied with my request. She even lit it for me. Classy lady.

As I was puffing away, a small fight started in front of me. It then got a lot worse. A large man with a long beard pulled out a Glock 17 pistol(with a flashlight attachment). He fired it into the air three times and everybody ran away, screaming. I, however, did not run away. I attempted to defuse the situation, by fainting. By the time I came to, I was picked up by a bouncer. I was accused of being too drunk for the establishment's standards. Subsequently I left, angry and afraid.

I went home and cried for a few moments, so distraught by my nightclub experience. I implore you all to not step foot inside any nightclub, unless you have diarrhea  I suppose you could run in to do your business, but then GET OUT OF THERE!"

This kind of thing must happen all the time! Be careful peeps.